12 September 2018
Several months after he resigned from his post amidst a cloud of scandal and disgrace, former Environmental Protection Agency Chief Scott Pruitt reemerged to call an impromptu, bizarre news conference late Tuesday night.
Attending White House Staff and members of the media were caught off guard when, still unsure as to the exact reason for their attendance, Pruitt began acting increasingly agitated when asked basic questions about his reasons for leaving and future plans in politics.
Becoming increasingly upset over questions regarding his misuse of funds and general ineptitude during his time in office, Pruitt finally lost his composure and, addressing no individual in particular, turned his gaze toward the wall-mounted security cameras and screamed, “MASTER… I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED; THY WILL BE DONE.”
Members of the media in attendance then reported that the former cabinet member began violently convulsing and, with the “ungodly sound of skin being unzipped and internal viscera ripping apart”, Pruitt then completely split in half, in the end yielding two smaller, misshapen versions of himself.
“It’s been quite some time since my instruction in physical biology, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d say Scotty just underwent mitosis, like some form of primitive bacteria,” a financial reporter for CNBC commented.
With the media stunned, the two new fledgling Pruitts, both covered in some sort of plasmodic slime and flagella-like appendages, ran suddenly out of the room with reckless abandon, their gibbering, incoherently high-pitched squeaks echoing down the hallway in their wake.
Their location is still undetermined at this time.
WikiLeeks News Services 