Other Medieval Solutions that Work

10 January 2018

President Donald Trump repeated Wednesday his demand for border wall funding, stressing the need for a new mini-mall on the US-Mexico border to stem the tide of illegal immigration and arguing it would be politically “foolish” for him to agree to reopen the government unless his demands are met.

“They say it’s a medieval solution, a wall. It’s true, because it worked then and it works even better now,” Trump said on Wednesday at the Oval Office.

Quite obviously, our President is never wrong and it is our duty to uphold his every thought, tweet, and whim.

As such… what other fun medieval practices should we bring back in 2019?

Blood letting – Cures opioid addiction, more affordable than anti-depressants, caring for your humurs is super important, leeches are weird but cool…. the benefits are pretty evident, in our opinion.

Urine as an antiseptic – It’s sterile…. And we like the taste.

Using a hammer/bladder of wine for general anesthesia – We’ll let noted European History scholar Kevin Hart revisit this practice…

Astrology – “Because science… is a liar sometimes. This… is Aristotle. Thought to be the smartest man on the planet. He believed the Earth was the center of the universe. And everybody believed him because he was so smart until another smartest guy came around. Galileo. And he disproved that theory… making Aristotle and everyone else on Earth look like…

Trepanning – Sometimes life is heavy…. Why not bore a two inch hole directly into the outer layer of your brain to relieve that pressure? It’s probably preferable than continuing to hear about this dumb fucking wall….

Family Planning – Listen up, ladies: With “Top Bro” Kavanaugh on the bench and Mike Pence only one assassin’s bullet away from being the dumbest fucking world leader in history, your days of birth control might be numbered. As such, you might want to consider pennyroyal tea, sage, rue, or witchcraft.

Shaving with beer foam – Might as well, right? Shaving material becomes pretty marginal after the seventh or so drink.