Feared Shoe Bomber Strikes Again

February 23 2019

It was a cool, calm winter night in Raleigh, North Carolina this last Wednesday. However, within Cameron Indoor Stadium (Presented by White Privilege and Pier One Imports), the frenetic, heated atmosphere was anything but cool, calm, and collected.

With celebrities such as Spike Lee, Michael Jordan, and former President Barack Obama (Sidebar: Dear God; rocking the absolute fuck out of that bomber jacket…) in attendance, the tension over one of the year’s most lauded college basketball match-ups was palpable within the one of the NCAA’s most obnoxious venues.

And, alas, within the first 33 seconds, the explosive sentiments of the crowd was met with similarly explosive proceedings on the court.

Receiving the ball near the top of the key, Zion Williamson, the unanimously expected number one draft pick in next year’s NBA draft, took a step toward half court and, as an astonished crowd watched on in stunned silence, was laid low by international terrorism.

Williamson’s size 15 Nike model PG shoe – a model designed and named by NBA all-star Paul George of Oklahoma City, a destination well familiar with domestic terrorism, in the NBA – exploded. Within seconds of the incident, Richard Reid, commonly known as the Shoebomber Terrorist, was apprehended courtside.

Reports indicate that Reid has been indicted from within the bowels of Cameron Indoor Stadium and faces extended time in federal prison.

The incident draws uncomfortable parallels with the 1986 incident in which the Duke mascot (who, for all the intellectual talent at that extremely affluent, private university, is creatively named “The Blue Devil”) abducted and attempted to summarily execute UNC Coach Dean Smith, before the latter’s rescue by Michael Jordan and Ramses, the UNC mascot.

Fortunately, Coach Mike Krzyzewski has drawn up a sophisticated zone press that should prevent any and all future terrorist attacks, safeguarding America for decades to come.

Unfortunately, the terrorist incident has resulted in a Grade 1 knee sprain for Williamson. Coach Krzyzewski says he’s day to day.