19 April 2019 The world was shocked Thursday by Attorney General Roseanne Barr's release of a redacted version of the notorious Mueller Report detailing possibly collusion between President Trump's administration and Soviet leadership. As Congressional members and armchair analysts alike continue to pour through the document and political shockwaves continue to reverberate around Washington, WL … Continue reading WikiLeeks Reveals Surprise Allegations from Mueller Report →

19 April 2019 Early Thursday morning, local child DeAndre Smith threw a tempestuous, raging tantrum at a local Walmart following news from his mother that she would not be buying him a Batman action figure during that day's shopping excursion. Bystanders were surprised to find out that, despite the child's extreme reaction, young DeAndre had, … Continue reading Child Violently Reneges on Promise ‘Not to Ask for Toy at Store’ →

17 April 2019 The world watched in shock and horror Monday as an unexplained fire occurred at the iconic French site of the Notre Dame. The cathedral, which is visited by millions of tourist each year and was once famously home to an ostracized cripple, is one of the most legendary symbols of both French … Continue reading Catholic Church Reaffirms Commitment to Stones Over Human Lives →

16 April 2019 A Roc - a gigantic, mythical avian creature from Ancient Persia, India, and the Middle East known for carrying away and devouring large mammals and even humans - reportedly killed its owner after he fell in its cage over the weekend. The bird's owner, a local Florida man named Florida Man who … Continue reading Mythical Bird Kills Florida Man →

12 April 2019 In a heated exchange earlier today outside his St. Petersburg, Florida residence after which, following a prolonged argument with local officers, Wikileeks founder and CEO Anthony Downtoni was arrested for two counts of disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace. The altercation allegedly occurred after, having been offered a ride and kindly driven … Continue reading WIKILEEKS FOUNDER ARRESTED →

12 April 2019 Last night, the Detroit Pistons defeated the New York Knicks to clinch the final playoff spot in the Eastern Conference. With the addition of the Pistons, who largely stand to increase their win total by maybe one game while forfeiting several valuable draft places, the final 16 team playoff set is complete. … Continue reading NBA Stars Begrudgingly Celebrate Annual Effort Threshold →

11 April 2019 After several decades of notoriety, Sean Connery's 23 year-old record for the lowest Jeopardy! score - during which, may we remind you, money is actually taken from a charity of their choice - was obliterated late Monday during a recent filming of Celebrity Jeopardy!  Predictably, the only man capable of smashing Connery's … Continue reading Connery’s Record Shattered on Jeopardy! →

11 April 2019 Professors from a university in the Netherlands have reportedly taken the first revolutionary photographs of a black hole located in a distant galaxy. The black hole in question reportedly measures 40 billion km across - three million times the size of the Earth - and has been described by the Dutch scientists … Continue reading First Picture of Black Hole Released →

9 April 2019 During a late Spring vacation to Central European, presumably to learn more about the xenophobic backwardness that will soon dominate our own national culture, five-year old Benny Rodrigo-Sanchez reached the ultimate zenith of human potential when, during a visit to the Hungarian capital of Budapest, the young comedian turned a moment of … Continue reading Five-Year-Old Child Reaches Pinnacle of Human Creative Potential →

5 April 2019 It was a star-studded affair Wednesday night as Tottenham FC ("The Spurs") belatedly opened their new stadium in North London following several months of waiting. The Spurs defeated London rivals Crystal Palace FC (presumably named after the American vodka brand costing roughly $5 for 750 mL) 2-0 in front of a crowd … Continue reading London’s Tottenham Football Club Opens New Stadium →