8 February 2019 Just one month ago, within in this very calendar year, James Crispus was your average, middle-class family man living an average life of domestic bliss in suburban Georgia. Much like his neighbors, Crispus would rise every morning, kiss his wife and two children goodbye, attend work at a communications firm at a … Continue reading Local Georgia Man Ostracized Following Shocking Discovery →

8 February 2019 As they popularly say on social media, new year, new me. President Trump has apparently taken this advice to heart, shocking many during his 2019 SOTU address. While many pundits expected Trump to trumpet his border wall and deflect attention from ongoing criminal investigations relating to Russia, Trump instead baffled the country … Continue reading President Trump Baffles During 2019 SOTU →

1 February 2019 As the Polar Vortex continues to hold much of Northern America in it's icy clutches, Americans have turned out in huge swathes to largely complain about the frozen conditions affecting states north of the Mason-Dixon line where, unlike their breezy Southern counterparts, much of the population a) knows negative integers exist and … Continue reading Polar Vortex Reveals Mass Trend of Inhumanity, Political Leader’s Intention to Kill Your Dog →

30 January 2019 The White House refuses to ramp down tensions after national security adviser John Bolton was seen Monday holding a yellow legal pad inscribed with the words "5000 troops to Colombia" during a press briefing. As tensions in Venezuela continue to increase between disgraced ex-President Nicolas Maduro and the most recent democratic hope … Continue reading Bolton Slip-Up Reveals Top State Secrets →

29 January 2019 Over the weekend, the United Arab Emirates held their first annual Gender Balance Index Awards Ceremony. The event, intended to secure western armaments contracts through the furthering of the illusion that Emirati women are given any social consideration, ended with, unsurprisingly, a man winning each of the categories with members of the … Continue reading Shocker at UAE Gender Award Ceremony →

26 January 2019 At this year's World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, thousands of of capitalists, shameless opportunists, and other such amoral purveyors of human suffering are currently meeting to discuss major issues facing the world economy in the coming year. The exclusive, invite only annual summit brings together chief executive officers from its 1,000 … Continue reading Davos Summit Tackles Major Issues of Capitalism →

26 January 2018 It was announced this morning that Roger Stone was indicted by a grand jury on charges brought by special counsel Robert Mueller, who alleges that the longtime Donald Trump fixer sought stolen emails from WikiLeeks that could damage Trump's opponents while in coordination with senior Trump officials. However, in a case of … Continue reading FBI Agents Arrest Multiple Rocks in Case of Mistaken Identity →

25 January 2019 The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, a Justice League-esque super team of leading scientists and other such people who probably didn't get laid last night, announced Thursday that the "Doomsday Clock" has been frozen at two minutes to midnight. Influenced by rearmament in major powers, climate change, and the impending release of Adriana … Continue reading Doomsday Clock Ticks Closer to Midnight →

19 January 2018 For the last several weeks, many Americans have rejoiced in the wisdom of Marie Kondo, who's Netflix program Tidying Up with Marie Kondo has reached thousands of viewers and inspired countless Americans to attack the material clutter that stifles our everyday lives. Many Americans are praising Kondo, a 34 year old organizing … Continue reading Marie Kondo-mania: “We Must Purge Ourselves of Subversive Clutter” →

18 January 2019 Yesterday, following a crushing defeat of her Brexit conditions in Parliament, UK Prime Minister Theresa May barely survived a vote of no confidence by a margin of four wickets with six overs remaining. Following this most recent of failure of the Tory party to push through legislation effecting the economic withdrawal from … Continue reading E.R. Considering Radical Proposals to Solve Brexit →