10 May 2019 Earlier today, President Trump honored last year's World Series winning "Boston Red Socks" to the White House's South Lawn to celebrate their third title in the last eleven years. However, many of the Red Sox greatest stars - including MVP outfielder Mookie Betts and Manager Alex Cora - were not in attendance, … Continue reading Sports Analysis: Splitting Along Racial Lines is the Most Red Sox Thing Imaginable →

10 May 2019 Youth sports aficionados in Colorado's Front Range were notified Thursday that the Arvada Lions, recent champions of metropolitan Denver's U-14 PONY Youth Baseball league, have declined President Trump's request to visit at the White House following their championship victory over the Littleton Tigers. Coach Rollie Harrison, a 39 year-old local businessman and … Continue reading U14 Little League Champions to Skip WH Visit →

9 May 2019 Responding to the people's will and possibly attempting to solidify their status as "the people's monarchs", the Duke and Duchess of Windsor have named their firstborn son Boaty McBoatface - bringing his full formal name to Boaty McBoatface FitzRoy Mountbatten Windsor. Boaty McBoatface - the newest addition to Britain's Royal Family - … Continue reading Duke and Duchess of Sussex Name Child Boaty McBoatface →

8 May 2019 If it's Spring in New York City, the change of the seasons can only mean one thing for Mid-Atlantic fashionistas: The Annual Met Gala for the Association for the Benefit of New York's Wealthy, Affluent, and Conspicuous. From its earliest days as just one of the many fundraiser gala's frequented by New … Continue reading Met Gala Proceeds Despite Controversial Theme →

4 May 2019  This Saturday, the Kentucky Derby will be ran without the favorite, an industrious stallion named Boxer. In an unprecedented move yesterday, racing aficionados everywhere were shocked to learn that Boxer had been withdrawn from exhaustion, leaving bookies and racing fans everywhere scrambling. "The revolutionary spirit of our farm community has been lifted … Continue reading Triple Crown Favorite Boxer Mysteriously Withdrawn from Derby →

3 May 2019 Last weekend, approximately 3 billion of the world's diverse citizens - far too many of them full grown adults - queued up spend the roughly $25 per movie ticket to see Marvel's The Avengers: Endgame, the final installment in a two dozen plus movie franchise that has cumulatively acted to lower America's average … Continue reading ENDGAME SPOILER: Only Weak-Minded Cretinous Adults Get Excited over Super Hero Movies →

2 May 2019 In a shock move that set both human rights and the international sporting community back several decades (if not centuries), the International Association Athletics Federations (IAAF) and Court of Arbitration for Sport (Cas) outlawed "being African" for future athletic competitions. "It's not enough that we created historical and institutional challenges that have … Continue reading IAAF Outlaws Being African in Athletics →

26 April 2019 We've all seen him: talking obnoxiously loudly at a local cafe about how his cousin is redefining the shoe-gaze genre one empty dive bar performance at a time, ripping his industrial-capacity vape pen directly in front of a group of school children, glorifying himself on a Williamsburg subway platform in a mystic … Continue reading WL Opinion: Fuck that guy, man →

26 April 2019 This week and - perhaps more appropriately, this entire year - has been a whirlwind for Gretta Thunborg, the Swedish 16 year-old climate activist who made waves earlier this year by chastising the United Nations over failed responses to climate change. Thunborg, a member of Sweden's indigenous and ancient magical dwarf community, … Continue reading Incensed Scandinavian Dwarf Continues to Harass World Leaders →

24 April 2019 Earlier today, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia executed over three dozen alleged terrorists arrested on various charges of terrorism. The 37 state executions reportedly occurred via beheading and included prisoners that were as young as age sixteen at the time of their arrest. For you keeping score at home and familiar with … Continue reading Saudi Arabia and MBS out-celebrate Vatican during Holy Week →