14 September 2019 An hour into Thursday night's debate featuring candidates vying for top prize in the looming Democratic Party national primaries, viewers on ABC were treated to a new commercial advertisement condemning the Democratic Party and, more specifically, first term Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-NY. In the advertisement, produced and funded by a Sith-aligned political … Continue reading RNC Ad Featuring AOC during Debate Angers Democrats →

13 September 2019 "Absolute Shambles"... "Utter Catastrophe"... "Possible Crimes against Humanity"... Each of the following phrases has been used at one point or another by various members of the cast and crew to describe the process of creating the widely anticipated film A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, in which notorious Hollywood bad boy Tom … Continue reading Tom Hanks Causes Chaos on Set of ‘A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood’ →

In 2007, it was illegal surveillance and Spygate. In 2014, it was air pressure anomalies and Deflategate. In 2019, Bill Belichick - the eight time Super Bowl champion/Latest candidate to fill the vacant position of "Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts" at the magical academy of Hogwarts - having duplicitously misled every NFL executive … Continue reading Bill Belichik, Sith Emperor, Is At It Again As 2019-2020 Season Kicks Off →

Citizens of Georgia's coastal communities awoke early this morning to find a drunken menace slovenly listing in their harbor, scaring their children and leering lasciviously at local women. Indeed, following several months of oceanic research, it appears that Boaty McBoatface - the infamous UK scientific research vessel named in 2016 following a popular internet referendum … Continue reading BREAKING: Boaty McBoatface Drinks Too Much off Georgia Coast →

10 September 2019 Warning: The following article may require some suspension of belief In an amazing turn of events late Monday afternoon, Opposition Members of the UK Parliament agreed to suspend their suspended suspension of the previous day's suspension motion that had been drafted in response to the suspended threat of suspension that had left … Continue reading Brexit: UK Parliament Suspends Suspended Suspension of Earlier Suspension Motion in Response to Suspended Threat of Suspension →

Londoners woke Wednesday to find that, after over three centuries of relatively successful constitutional monarchy, Queen Elizabeth II, following the desperate pleas of Prime Minister/Velocipede Enthusiast Boris Johnson, had announced plans to suspend parliament indefinitely and return England to an absolutist monarchy. Speaking from the same fateful location on Whitehall Street on which the Stuart … Continue reading Queen Reaffirms Divine Right, Denounces Parliament →

28 August 2019 Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro made it clear early Tuesday that he would not cease his Amazon Fyre Festival under any circumstances- despite international pleas and offers of up to $20 M for the Brazilian pseudo-despot to extinguish his party in the Amazon. The blazes come as a result of a multi-week rager … Continue reading Bolsonero’s ‘Fyre Fest – Amazon’ Rolls On Despite Global Outcry →

10 August 2019 During last week's Democratic National Debates, Twitter erupted when an Arkansas man's honest question regarding "How do I kill the 30-50 feral hogs that run into my yard within 3-5 minutes while my small kids play?" evoked countless, less-than-helpful responses. Millennial readers - who have never once held a paying position in … Continue reading 30-50 Motherfucking Feral Hogs →

9 August 2019 Antonin Checkov, a 19th Russian author who is widely credited as one of the greatest short story writers of all time, once wrote that, "If in the First Act the you have a pistol on the wall, it must be fired by the last act. If it's not going to be fired, … Continue reading US Gun Violence Highlights Central Issue of Having Put a Gun in First Act of Bill of Rights →

6 August 2019 As summer blockbuster season in the United States reaches it's annual zenith this August, movie aficionados are reflecting on a major year for the film industry. However, never one to dwell upon its own success, Hollywood is already looking forward to releases in the new year and one film has critics and … Continue reading Ken Burns and James Cameron to team up for ‘Alien vs. Predator vs. Brown vs. Board of Education’ →