Culture

Local Women Drunkenly Discover “like, I was a horse girl, too!”

6 September 2018

Early last Friday evening, after four light lagers and a round of tequila shots, four local women were utterly shocked to find that each one had been a “horse girl” during the halcyon days of their early youth.

“Oh my God, I never thought I would be able to admit this… Growing up they always made fun of me for liking horses,” Sandra, age 27 admitted in muted tones.

Our esteemed colleagues and partners at Urban Dictionary define “horse girl” as the following:

A girl who wears t-shirts with horses on them and tapered denim pants, has really long hair in which they braid and fasten with a scrunchie in the back of their head, will “gallop” on the track during gym class, is only friends with other girls who like horses, and will look down on you because you are not a horse.

Her friend, Michelle, age 28, exclaimed, “All my life, the patriarchy has placed so many constraints and barriers in front of me to keep me from admitting the true essence of my character: I’m a straight up horse girl, bitch.”

After excitedly ordering another round of tequila shots, the girls were similarly amazed to discover that, during their youth, each one of them was also a massive fan of the ethereal, genre-defining contemporary art of Lisa Frank.

 

 

After Recent Success, Drake Loses WiFi Code at Toronto Mansion

30 August 2018

 

Local reports emerged Tuesday night that world famous hip-hop artist and cultural icon Aubrey Drake Graham, commonly known as Drake, had misplaced the WiFi password in his Toronto mansion earlier that day.

Friends reported that finding any lost object in Drake’s house, which is exclusively lit from antique chandeliers bearing authentic, 19th century spermaceti candles, is difficult.

“Man, you know how it be… Just back here in the six tryin’ to get my mind right at home.. and I can’t find the goddamn WiFi code,” Drake complained over social media late Tuesday.

Pausing to put down his jewel-encrusted gold goblet of 1787 Chateau Margaux, the immensely popular artist behind the recent hit album Scorpion added, “How the fuck is hoes s’posed to throw my collection of Le Corbusier chairs up on the ‘gram without proper lighting?”

Absentmindedly pulling on a cape with the phrase “Captain Save ‘Em” ostentatiously inlaid with sapphires into a Siberian Tiger pelt, Drake expressed further disappointment that he had recently used the last of his $50,000 Ice Cream bath bombs from Me Bath, ingredients of which include “Hawaiian deep seawater, hand-harvested Peruvian pink salt, rich illipe, murumuru and kokum butters, Israeli jojoba oil, and 24-carat gold.”

Asked if he had to choose between righting one of the two recent setbacks, Drake stated simply, “You know how it be…. bitches love jojoba oil.”

 

 

 

Local Father Agrees to Drive Daughter to Mall

30 August 2018

Local father Dennis Greeves, upon seeing his 13 year old daughter Stacy come down to breakfast wearing purple eye shadow from Hot Topic, shredded black jeans (also from Hot Topic), and a black choker necklace (You fucking guessed it! …Spencer’s Gifts), realized that he is completely and utterly fucked.

With this realization having irrevocably ravaged his consciousness like a Mongol horde passing over a 13th century Russian village, Greeves reported that he was “dumbstruck.”

“In no remote fucking capacity am I prepared for the waking nightmare that the next five years will be,” Greeves sighed as he sank to his knees and dejectedly dropped his head into his hands, inwardly imploring God for the sweet release of death.

When the heavens issued no response and remained eminently vacant of any coming salvation, Greeves seemed resigned to his fate, ultimately agreeing to drive Stacy and her friends to the mall later upon Stacy’s non-negotiable condition that “he doesn’t fucking speak to us… like at all.”

Instagram or Skynet? Meet Lil’ Miquela

30 August 2018

 

She has over one million followers on the popular social media platform Instagram.

She frequently mentions and advertises luxury brands such as Balenciaga and Coach.

She has previously voiced her support for social initiatives such as the Black Lives Matter Movement.

Most recently, she released several original songs on Spotify.  

She, however, is not Beyonce.

She is not Rihanna, nor, for that matter,  any other standard agent of black girl magic/human consciousness.

She is ‘Lil Miquela’ – a computer-generated image and associated personality created by SoCal tech startup, Brud Ltd.

While Miquela’s genetics may be written in ones and zeros rather than adenine and taurine, her commercial activities, and the profits from said activities, are very real. In the past year, Miquela has professionally collaborated with several high-end fashion labels, many of these products now available for individual purchase at her online store.

The emergence of Miquela and other such “non-real influencers” – to use New Media’s fatuous terminology – poses a series of ethical questions for advertisers, lifestyle experts, and users of social media.

For example, Miquela, even despite her professed love of luxury brands such as H&M, will never get to have the consummate experience (… or any legitimate conscious experience, for that matter) of working in one of the chain’s Bangladeshi sweatshops.

Similarly, while an algorithm may be able to simulate some projected description on her IG page of what wearing H&M’s Fall cashmere sweater may feel like, the simple fact is that Miquela has never felt any sort of fabric on her skin, owing to the fact that she has neither skin cells, a nervous system, and, additionally, more or less lives in the fucking Matrix.

However, while WikiLeeks finds the ethics of using a biracial, effervescent young female robot as a naked means of attaining profit to be quite fascinating and worthy of debate in itself, mainstream America has come to see the freckled, ethnically ambiguous digital avatar as something far more sinister: a time-traversing, cybernetic force of generationally inspired cataclysmic destruction.

Titus Skwelch, a semi-retired mortgage underwriter and sometime social media analyst, thinks Miquela’s intention is quite obvious.

“She is here to kill us all!” Skwelch shrieked, his hand unconsciously moving toward the space on his right hip where a concealed firearm would be.

“The Princess Leia hair, the adorable freckles, her supercilious advocacy of unnecessary luxury products…. I think it is quite obvious that she has been sent by future generations to commit some sort of genocidal holocaust on us Baby Boomers,” Skwelch assuredly explained, while discreetly scanning his peripheral vision for robotic assassins.

While the notion seems somewhat far fetched, Skwelch’s theory is beginning to gain traction amongst conservative commentators in online communities such as 4chan, 8chan, 16chan, 32chan, and 4^3chan.

In one of the fora, user DickArmy696969OFFICIAL postulates that, “Like ‘Skynet’ in the popular Terminator film franchise, the forces that sent Lil Miquela represent the evolutionary development of an individual consciousness by our digital networks. In this case, a young, photogenic huckster takes the place of Arnold Schwarzenegger; returning from the distant future to both poison the minds of Generation Z and facilitate a complete takeover by our robotic overlords.”

User LindseyGrahamsCrackers8=D sees a similar pattern, adding that “Lil Miquela is the digital manifestation of Generation Z itself: an innocuous, biracial personality that non-committedly associates with progressive movements while, in reality, full-on commits to a life of self-aggrandizement and material consumption.”

LindseyGrahamsCrackers8=D also commented that, “she almost certainly may be composed of some sort of composite, shape-shifting mimetic alloy that would allow her to melt under locked doors, skewer opponents, and generally mimic any biotic organism she encounters.”

Brud Ltd., the Los Angeles startup that created and maintains Lil Miquela, refused official comment for this article. However, speaking on condition of anonymity, one high-ranking board member incredulously noted, “For an advanced algorithm representing the culmination of several millennia of mathematical thought, she sure spends an inordinate amount of time online shopping and taking selfies.

“She’s coded to be about 20 years old, speaks several dozen languages, and, personality-wise, is an amalgam of millions of social media profiles spanning multiple continents…

“But, really, she just lies about all day doing nothing on her phone, she can’t keep the kitchen clean for shit.. And why the fuck is lil miss 20-something C3-PO still on my goddamn family plan using up my family’s data, anyway?”

 

Local Teens: Hard Times Until Students Return

22 August 2018

As the summer wanes toward its inevitable close and East Lansing, MI prepares for the coming annual student influx, many local residents are making a last-minute effort to enjoy small-town life before the imminent arrival of those who couldn’t find acceptance into any reputable academic institution.

Many complaints center on the student’s significant effect on traffic, public drunkenness, and destruction of private property. One group of local residents, however, is warmly anticipating the return of Michigan State University’s student population: local teenagers.

Unlike his parents, who have had their rhododendrons ripped out after the first Michigan State football loss for ten years straight, Ralph, a rising junior at East Lansing High School, sees the students’ return as a blessing for himself and his compatriots.

“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve got my thieving, juvenile hands on a thirty rack of Busch Light? Let’s just say that Michael Cohen and President Trump were still on speaking terms… Orientation is next week? Thank. Fucking. God,” the young scholar said about procuring illicit alcohol, the acquisition of which his intention to “get to second base” with his peer Kim crucially depends.

The illicit solicitation of alcohol sales by minors for their own consumption, locally known as “Hey Dude-ing” or “(to) Hey Dude”, due to the salutary nature of the request, is a major problem in a city notorious for underage drinking.

“It’s just so much easier and less embarrassing to ask a drunk college student to buy for us than, like, you know… a goddamn homeless dude,” said Ralph, pouring a small amount of his drink out onto the pavement in deference to the late Willie the Can Man.

“In a couple weeks, me and the boys will just go down M.A.C. and troll for whoever is the drunkest to go buy our shit,” Ralph said, adding that a recent increase in his weekly allowance could possibly facilitate the extra purchase of a pint of vodka in his continued attempt to explore the uncharted sexual realms of “second base.”

While Ralph wanted to expound on the manner in which his prolonged effort for “second base” had turned from pitched battle into protracted siege, those comments quickly and radically strayed from the purview of this article.

“Right now, shit is rough, my dude: I’m sneaking a couple fingers of brandy from my dad’s decanter in the dining room every Friday and replacing it with water on Monday… We’re totally gonna be fucked when Thanksgiving comes around,” Ralph cavalierly scoffed, preempting the sole, annual occasion on which the perfunctory brandy is guaranteed to be consumed by members of the extended family.

For this reason, Ralph eagerly anticipates the return of MSU’s student population and, as far as the young scholar is concerned, no price is too steep to pay for the security of his extremely low-percentage shot at reaching the transcendental, ethereal bliss of “second base.”

Thus, while the fears of many tax-paying residents may be growing, so too are the hopes and aspirations of the city’s sophomoric residents.

For some, the rhododendrons, it would appear, can go straight to hell.

WikiLeeks editorial staff is contractually obligated to mention that this illicit form of alcohol provision is in no way related to the early-1990s children show of the same name on Nickelodeon depicting the lives of several adolescents performing summer work at the Bar None Dude Ranch outside Tucson, AZ. 

Local Man “Has No Idea What Those Kids are Up To”

17 August 2018

America was shocked on Wednesday to learn that over seventy adolescents had overdosed on synthetic marijuana in a New Haven, CT public park, resulting in several dozen hospitalizations. Although the investigation is still pending, police officials believe that the synthetic marijuana had been cut with some sort of opioid, possibly Fentanyl, a Schedule I drug that can be deadly when consumed without proper medical oversight and awareness.

Asked to respond to these events, Quincey Giles, an unmarried 52 year-old local resident who owns a small air-conditioning business, lamented “he just doesn’t understand what these kids are up to nowadays.”

“When I was sixteen, you were lucky to score a six-pack, maybe drive around town making casually homophobic comments to your best friends… Shit, maybe even get up the bile to do some heavy petting with a homely girl from ‘round the way,” Giles sighed, as blissful waves of nostalgia ostensibly drifted him back to the halcyon days of his youth.

“Everything’s different now… What happened to Rock n Roll? What about classic bands like Twisted Sister and Poison? This kids these days wouldn’t even know a cassette mixtape if it bite them in the ass!”

When pressed to further examine exactly what defines this perceived generational divide, Giles pointed to what her perceived as a “lack of proper values” amongst the young constituents of Generation Z.

“Back when we was kids, we had our priorities straight: it was all about getting laid and kicking commie ass. What do these kids even believe in? Nothing but hedonism and self-gratification… Who can understand responsibility when your life is all iPods and rainbow parties?”

“A young man came into my store the other day with his mother. This young man could reprogram my air conditioners to make a phallus come up on the display screen (“… LOOKS LIKE IT’S DICK DEGREES IN EITHER CELCIUS OR FAHRENHEIT, sir.”), but couldn’t for the life of him tell me why socialism is a parasitic cancer and that could imminently regenerate and metastasize at any moment. What the hell do they teach these kids in school?”

Still, despite this apparently insurmountable cultural gap between America’s generations, Giles claims he sees signs that inspire future hope.

“Listen, every American generation is different than the one before it; this generation talks a big talk about ‘saving the environment’ and ‘empowering the disadvantaged.’ Sure. Good. But I am confident that, when it all is said and down, they’ll drop all that and focus on what Americans do best – frivolous personal consumption of material shit,” Giles confidently predicted.

“Social justice, environmental sustainability, economic empowerment… When we was kids we had some cool ideas too; market-based solutions, an emphasis on civil society over government dependence, decentralization…”

“Those ideas might matter when you’re eighteen and getting mom and pop to pay off that Visa, but come 32, when five plus years of the pressure from bills, social expectations, and underemployment begin to stack up, we’ll see if they’re really so progressively ideological… My guess is that they’ll do what every American generation before them has done: turn off the news and take out a loan for that Ski-Doo.”

This conclusion struck us as one that was both exceedingly cynical and unfair to a generation that has yet to fully experience their opportunity to influence the world in a defining moment. Was there not anything Generation Z could do to change Giles’s mind?

“They gotta start living in the real world! Stop worrying about guns, whether someone is a man or woman…. Buckle down, get a job, and start selling something real that people can actually use to make their lives better,” Giles said, affectionately patting one of his beloved air conditioning units.

However, much to the surprise of the two customers in the store and our interview team, the top of the air conditioning unit collapsed, revealing a secret compartment in the top of the AC unit into which several large zip-lock bags of coarse, white powder had been duct-taped.

Later, after having been stripped of the mask that completely concealed his identity as a notorious local thief, as Giles was unceremoniously guided into the back of the patrol car by two local police officers, his cries of desperate anguish could be heard trailing him into the quiet evening…

“…. And I would have gotten away with it! … If it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

Bridging the Gap: The Many Faces of NYC’s ‘Fresh Air Fund’

11 August 2018

This piece is the second in a continuing series by WikiLeeks Culture called “Bridging the Gap”, a series of articles and reports that intend to examine the growing cultural gap in American society. “Bridging the Gap” is committed to examining methods in which to effect the healing of our national culture and, as the name explicitly states, bridge the gap between America’s fractured, diverse communities.

 

 

Earlier this week, the world was shocked to learn that hip-hop mogul Sean Combs, commonly known by his nom de plume P Diddy (formerly Puff Daddy), held treasured childhood memories of living in a traditional Amish community in rural Pennsylvania. Aided by his mother during his early years, Combs, the second wealthiest hip-hop artist according to Forbes magazine with an estimated fortune of over $800 M, took advantage of a program called “The Fresh Air Fund”, a program that continues to provide inner-city youth an opportunity to engage with rural life outside of America’s urban centers.

Diddy fondly remembers performing household chores with his host family such as milking cows, picking berries, and riding to church in a horse and buggy, after which, his host family enjoyed sumptuous midday meals to celebrate the Sabbath. “It really kind of taught you family,” said Combs in an interview with the BBC in which he discussed his time with the Pennsylvania Amish.

Founded over a century ago in 1877 in response to a tuberculosis epidemic in New York City, the Fresh Air Fund has provided inner-city youth opportunities to engage with life in environments outside the Big Apple for over one hundred years. Therefore, WikiLeeks Culture needed to know: Have any other New York celebrities taken advantage of the Fresh Air Fund and, if so, what was their experience like? As WL Culture’s team of experts looked into the matter, we found some surprising results…

Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson – Hudson River Restoration Society

Another hip-hop artist to take advantage of the program, Jackson reportedly sent the summer after his 8th grade year helping a local conservation society in Catskill, NY to restore damaged fish habitats along the Hudson River. Responding via email to our request for comment on his time with FAF, Jackson commented, “Damn fam…. I ain’t think ‘bout the river in a minute, b…” Jackson additionally remembered with deep nostalgia that the experience was the first (but certainly not last) time he “got wet” and “caught slugs.”

Nasir “Nas” Jones – National Academy of Sciences

The third hip-hop artist from NYC to take advantage of FAF’s programs on this list, Jones displayed an early love of biology and physical science that influenced his decision to pursue a nature immersion program in rural Connecticut. Jones enjoyed the experience so much, he decided to name himself after his sponsor organization, additionally dedicating seven of his nine studio albums to “real ass (deleted racial expletive) doing real ass empirical shit.”

Eddie Murphy – New Hampshire Dairy Farm

Despite his tremendous success spanning several decades, Murphy came from difficult circumstances in Brooklyn, causing him to receive a program scholarship in the mid 1970s. During his summer with FAF, Murphy worked at a rural dairy farm in New Hampshire. Mr. Swanson, the father of the host family, has mixed memories of Murphy’s time on the farm, remembering, “On the one hand, his ability to fluently converse with animals was really helpful, but, on the other hand, all those impersonations and smart-aleck jokes really showed you how he’d probably become the most famous ass of all-time.”

Barbra Streisand – Fucking Anywhere Outside the 212/718

In a desperate gambit to rid themselves of this modern Lilith, the Brooklyn Yeshiva broke its back during the summer of 1956 with a series of fundraisers to come up with the sponsorship fee to “just buy us 3 months of relative quiet free from this Alukah.” The Yeshiva made no attempt to record where Streisand was “chosen” to serve with FAF, entering it simply into congregational records as “For now, the creature is gone. Praises be to God.”

 

Elon Musk: “Well on my way to becoming Bond villain”

9 August 2018

Elon Musk, the Johannesburg-born entrepreneur famous for multiple innovative efforts across several industries, made waves early Monday morning when the billionaire referred to a British caver who took part in the rescue effort of a Thai soccer team as “a pedo”, using the British-English shorthand for “pedophile.”

The conflict began when the caver criticized Musk’s intention to use a miniature submarine manned by “Tolkien-esque genetically engineered hominoid figures” to rescue a stranded Thai soccer team in a flooded cave. The response from Musk was immediate and direct: Despite his ownership of several of America’s most prominent technological corporations and the direct link between his comments and company’s stock prices, Musk immediately accused the diver of engaging in illicit sexual relations with minors, playing on an extremely damaging stereotype that all American ex-pats are inevitably taking advantage of Thailand’s notorious sex industry.

Having been reached for comment at his corporate lair, currently being etched out of the sedimentary flagstone of an unnamed escarpment in Northern California, Musk claimed with a knowing, sly grin that his Twitter rant was “only the beginning.”

“Listen, guys, I’ve got a very serious reputation to uphold. Casually accusing someone of a deplorable sexual crime via social media? Please! This is just how people in our generation communicate; for all intents and purposes that was just me swiping right!

“Really, I’ve been doing some research and think, just like with SpaceX and Tesla, we are going to be witnessing some really exciting developments in the future.

(Pauses and acknowledges polite applause)

“So, if you had to ask me, what would Elon do in five years’ time? Well I think we would start by securely fastening this misguided spelunker firmly to a titanium platform on a dais deep within my corporate headquarters… From there the possibilities are endless! Maybe have an excessively slow moving laser move upward from a foot above the ground toward his genitals, a la one of my heroes, Hank Scorpio?

“Or what about just a good old-fashioned feeding of this dissident motherfucker to some genetically modified sea bass? Oooooh. How about I freeze dry him with a sign saying ‘I’m a stupid pedo piece of shit/Elon rulez’ and just rocket his ass into space like my red Tesla?”

‘Vanguard’ of Breastfeeding Mothers Storm Capitol in Protest

9 August 2018

Over one thousand new or soon-to-be mothers gathered in front of the United States Capitol early Wednesday morning to protest for greater rights pertaining to pre/neo-natal treatment within the existing healthcare system. Foremost amongst these concerns was a mother’s right to publicly breastfeed her child.

In recent years, debate has raged in America regarding public breastfeeding. Many scientists claim that this natural, basic act, which biologically defines the human species (and all other mammals), is vital toward achieving early health outcomes for both infant and mother. Specifically, advocates claim breastmilk provides unique nutrients and antibodies that can influence the epigenetic development of a child.

On the other hand, while some Americans express concern about their socio-economic ability to breastfeed, a recent Gallup poll revealed that 60% of Americans thought “there was something fundamentally sinful about even a fleeting glimpse of exposed sideboob, in which momentary exposure (intentional or not) can result in an individual’s permanent descent into a fiery, syphilitic Hell.”

While most protests regarding breastfeeding in recent years have been peaceful, Wednesday’s protest featured a new actor with a new message: Attired in the iconic red outfits from Amazon’s dystopian smash TV hit The Handmaid’s Tale, militant women’s rights group “the Daughters of Gilead” made their presence felt through radical matriarchal displays.

Ofsteve, a 29 year-old mother of two from Bethesda, had some terse statements. “Procreation is the future. The Patriarchy has failed to demonstrate their ability to regulate this most sacred responsibility – and now the field must be harrowed for a new crop,” she said in a monotone voice, betraying absolutely no sense of emotion as she vacantly stared forward into blank space.

Ofjim, 26 and unmarried, confirmed these sentiments and began discussing actionable measures that could begin to remedy years of patriarchal mismanagement of the reproductive processes, saying, “Public breastfeeding must be made universally available. Those who deny this sacred, ancient connection must be made to change, or face strict elimination as Leviticus instructs.”

Her friend Ofbill, 32 a mother of three from Philadelphia, went even further: “Listen, you phallic piece of shit, if I want to take out my titty, bitch slap you with it, and then use it to hose down a motherfucker like a SuperSoaker… THAT’S MY RIGHT, GODDAMIT. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME OTHERWISE?”

While most of the protest could be described as “provocative yet peaceful”, there were unfortunate reports that a fringe group of the Daughters of Gilead had attacked Senator Orrin Hatch outside the Senate, forcibly pinning him to the ground and forcing him to ingest near-overdose levels of infant formula cut with progesterone. Senator Hatch remains in intensive care as of writing. 

WikiLeeks Special Health Exclusive: Medieval Diet Will “Balance the Humours”

21 July 2018

“The views expressed in this article intend to highlight alternative studies and induce conversation. They are the views of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of Goop and are for informational purposes only, even if and to the extent that this article features the advice of physicians and medical practitioners. This article is not, nor is it intended to be, a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should never be relied upon for specific medical advice.”

– Goop.com disclaimer at the bottom of every article

“I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter. I have long had Dr. Emoto’s coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water, how the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it.”

-Gwyneth Paltrow, CEO and Founder of Goop

Written by M. Myles and J. Wopley

The age of Twitter and Instagram, in which celebrities and public figures can reshape an entire population’s dietary habits with a single social media post, has yielded several dietary trends over the last decade. From the Neolithic gestation of the Paleo Diet, to the recent trial and conviction of gluten by the International Criminal Court, what we as society “ought” and “ought not” to eat seems to change by day.

Recent years have seen many people, apparently defined by the inverted relationship between their knowledge of human biology and disposable income, subscribe to diets and health regimens lacking proper scientific rigor. However, despite having no basis in the epistemological processes that have formed and defined contemporary civilization, the fads espoused by these luminaries continue to influence eating habits in 2018. For example, Gwyneth Paltrow’s “lifestyle brand” Goop, which advocates shoving a $66 Jade Egg up one’s vagina so that the organ conforms to patriarchal standards of “tightness”, brought in roughly $20 M in 2016 and, due to its performance, secured an additional $50 M for international expansion. Clearly, the proof is in the pudding (or, rather, coffee enema): Pseudo- science and mass consumer lunacy are not only here to stay, but great business too!

With a journalistic responsibility to report on the dynamic lifestyle phenomena of America’s cretinous population, WikiLeeks’ Health reporter Mowbray Myles caught up with Ro Amil, a 19 year-old lifestyle entrepreneur in West Los Angeles to discuss the latest health trends.

MM: So, we’ve heard about Goop, the Paleo Diet, the Atkins’ Diet… What’s the next ‘big thing’? How will it help us and how can we get involved?

RA: Well, Mowbray, I am just in love with this new diet called “The Medieval Diet.” I know Gwenyth (God. Loooooooove her, right? She was so great in 10 Things I Hate About You.) likes to take some liberties with her scientific approach, but this diet is explicitly based off Regimen Sanitatis Salernitanum, the foremost European health text of the 13th century.

MM: Wow. That is a lot to take in. Are you concerned about the possible negative effects of adopting a health regimen created before the emergence of the Black Death or even the Hundred Years War, where the average lifespan was about 30 years for the average adult male?

RA: Not really, Mowbray. If you actually read into the specifics of the diet, and I have an Art History degree from Sarah Lawrence so I’m uniquely qualified to comment on this, you’ll see that it is founded on the basis of “the four humours” upon which ancient medical theory is based: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. I’m pretty sure that the same guy who invented the oath all doctors have to say taught this theory… So you’d have to be a pretty big hippocrat not to believe in it.

MM: What does a day abiding by this diet look like? What kind of health benefits do you enjoy?

RA: Ermigoooooood, Mowbray. The main thing is eliminating most of the fruits, vegetables, and spices that originated outside of Europe, so no potatoes, peppers, beans, tomatoes… You are basically left with a two meals a day diet of meat, bread, heavy gravies, and wine. Sometimes I can have the occasional peach or fig, but I have to be careful because that will take my phlegm out of sync and make me melancholic.

MM: We certainly wouldn’t want that. So, how often are you drinking wine?

RA: Well I’m taking a steady diet of diluted strongwine from the moment I wake until the moment I sleep. Not only does this sanitize my drinking water, but conveniently lays on a nice buzz to help forget that I’m going to die a peasant death from cholera or childbirth before my husband turns 17, which is actually a more honorable path than living as a lifestyle writer in the 21st century. In any case, you’ve got to mix water with the wine to balance the humours in the stomach, lest one experience gas and urine from an overabundance of black bile!

MM: Quite humorous, indeed. Other than the feeble attempt at escapism from individual rationality, are there any other ostensible health benefits?

RA: Well, the manuscript says garlic and radishes are good antidotes to poison, which is nice given both the stream of nonsense with which I pollute the national debate over wellness and sheer amount I charge my customers for advice. I don’t think there is anything in the manuscript for incurable stupidity, however.

MM: Truly, so much great information to ingest. Tell me more about an average meal: What are you eating and why? Does portion matter?

RA: As I said, you can only eat twice a day. Eating more will make you unlusty, slothful, and enfeeble the stomach. For lunch today, I enjoyed roast pheasant, ancient grain baked bread, and a flagon of mulled wine. If you can manage the $50 per meal cost and six hours of necessary prep time per day (employing an enslaved pagan servant helps, although she may be a witch), it does absolute wonders; you might not even have to leech!

MM: Leeching? As in blood-letting?

RA: Oh Mowbray, you rascal! Of course you’ve got to leech! What if you had poison in your blood, how would you get it out, silly?

MM: You mean.. other than radishes?

RA: Blood-letting is just so absolutely crucial. I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but when those little parasitic fuckers start doing their thing, I can just feel the negativity dissipate as my humours balance. For God’s sake Mowbray, leeches take care of acne, asthma, cancer, cholera, coma, convulsions, diabetes, epilepsy, gangrene, gout, herpes, indigestion, insanity, jaundice, leprosy, ophthalmia, plague, pneumonia, scurvy, smallpox, stroke, tetanus, tuberculosis, and some one hundred other diseases.

MM: Just to sum all of this up for our readers… You advocate this medieval diet, one in which you consume a small, expensive fraction of nutritionally limited food while simultaneously committing yourself to a life of unabashed alcoholism? Do you think large-scale adoption of this lifestyle could be harmful for society?

RA: Honestly, Mowbray, I’ll advocate whatever the fuck these dumb rich white asshats are willing to shove up the latest orifice to simulate the sensation of feeling good about themselves and, just to be quite clear, most of American society could never afford to breathe the same air as me. What I will say about the Medieval Diet, however, is that it is low in sugar, entirely cuts out processed foods, and every meal is full of complete proteins and complex carbohydrates. Moreover, it explicitly advocates dietary attitudes that Americans are incapable of adopting: self-restraint, a willingness to examine the causal intersection of food and personal health, and facilitating consumer decisions that are more environmentally sustainable.

RA: In recent years, my colleague Ms. Paltrow has advocated vaginal steaming, wearable stickers that affect/influence one’s energy, and the belief that underwires in bras cause breast cancer. She has quite visibly created a business that victimizes the ignorant and creates health alternatives that are unquestionably only available to certain sections of society. Perhaps most damagingly, Ms. Paltrow and those like her pervert the embattled reputation of science and chip away at its perceived ability to discern what is good, reasonable, or right from the absolute horseshit of pseudoscience, homeopathic alternatives, and blatant quackery that define personal health solutions in the 21st century. Say what you will about my ruthlessly opportunistic commercial activities, but, unlike the negative-ion salt crystal Paltrow would have you shove up your cervix, at least my diet is accessible and provides a decent history lesson for any individual who chooses to engage in it.

RA: Furthermore, how much sympathy can you really have for my average consumer? I find it hard to believe a consumer on food stamps can consistently afford the $66 jade vagina crystal or coffee enema treatment. Someone who can afford and chooses to buy these things is by definition equal parts moronic and masochistic. Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter what you pitch to this incensed pack of mongoloids; as long as they are able to reinforce class barriers by conspicuously consuming what the poor cannot, I’m sure that they’ll maintain “a good sense of humour.”

 

 

Bridging the Cultural Divide: How to Get the Trump Train Back on American Tracks

18 July 2018

There can be no denying that President Trump is in hot water following yesterday’s Helsinki Summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin. In the hour long press conference, following two hours of intimate, closed-door flirting and heavy petting, Trump appeared to both condemn reports of the US intelligence community and support President Putin against accusations of direct interference in the 2016 US Presidential Election.

Following the summit, Trump decried these attacks from the “Fake News” media and lashed out at the many public symbols of patriotism who spoke against his actions at the summit, ranging from John “Vietpussy” McCain to Chris Evans, the actor who portrays “Captain America”, for a perceived lack of support.

There can be no doubt that the Helsinki Summit represents another flashpoint for the Trump administration in which the fractures in domestic politics, culture, and social relations seem fundamentally irreparable. Although the cliche is continually used in American political analyses, the partisan divide seems to great to span, especially given the state of US infrastructure and engineering.  Thus, what can President Trump do to reach out to those Americans that have lost their way? How can this modern Lincoln, this inheritor of the legacy of Jefferson, Hamilton, and Madison, begin to reunify the shattered pieces of our national consciousness?

Thankfully, WikiLeeks reached out to Joel Buxter, a scholar with the Pew Research Center, and Barton Maith, an professor of American Cultural Studies at George Washington University, to learn 5 simple things President Trump to do to begin the healing our country desperately needs.

1. “The Apprentice: White House Edition”

The year was 2004 and we were falling back in love with “the Donald.” Why? Because, despite the nascent medium silently, insidiously eating away at the heart of American intellectualism, reality television had us in it’s digital talons. Remember “You’re Fired!”, the smoke and mirrors boardroom, and Omirosa? Goddamn, those were good times! Therefore, why not bring it back? The Communications Director position has been occupied by a non-stop carousel of douchemongers shamelessly attempting to both advance their own career and navigate the fundamentally unknown waters of Trump’s psyche… You thinking what I’m thinking? Call up Spicer, the Mooch, Bill Rancic, the black guy you somehow let win in Season 4 and Run. It. Back. We firmly believe that the reemergence of Celebrity Apprentice would all but make certain another four years of Trumpian chaos.

2. More Potato Chips

Trump set the gastronomical bar pretty low when, during his first night as President, he dined on well-done steak topped with ketchup. Rumor has it the White House chef committed honorable suicide after that first night with the very knife used by Trump to slice that initial culinary abortion. However, within the relatively limited scope of Trump’s alimentary interests, exists a potential salvation: Potato chips. Trump notoriously loves potato chips, frequently chowing down on bags of Lay’s in the White House and Air Force One. You know who likes potato chips? America. In fact, the potato chip was invented by former president Thomas Jefferson, who wished that “all mine generations forevermore will dineth on a prepared bag of the sweet, fried fruit of the pomme de terre.” The Jefferson estate, however, refused to return comment to WikiLeeks on whether some the descendants in question were to receive ⅗ of a bag, rather than a full one.

3. More Fucking Gold

If there is one set of mutual roles both Trump and America are comfortable playing, it is that of “the impressor” and “the impressed.” Think back to the halcyon days of The Apprentice, do you remember how the Trump Tower looked and felt? Gold trim over everything, faux frescoes painted on the ceilings, delicately laced chairs… It looked like a gayer version of Liberace took the designs for Saddam Hussein’s toilet and expanded it into a fully functioning hotel. Just a 30 second transition sequence on The Apprentice featuring shots of the Trump Tower were enough to let you know that a) Donald and Melania had wealth and b) You and the rest of the viewing community were complete trash. Donald Trump has consistently referred to the White House itself as “a dump”, “not Mar-a-Lago”, and “a terrible place to destroy our nation’s legacy, with poor lighting.”* Well, we at WikiLeeks think it’s time to roll up our sleeves, dig in, and make “the White House” into “the Gold House.” For the final touch, put your name right the fuck on top so that everyone knows who is in charge.

4. Highlight the Brand

Trump scholars are often quick to point out that his businesses have gone bankrupt on four separate occasions. Similarly, from larger accusations of fraud to relatively smaller violations of his ubiquitous non-disclosure agreements, Trump has been involved in over 3,500 lawsuits since the 1980s. While no one really cares about these type of things in the business community (in fact, it’s probably a badge of honor), political commentators tend to fixate on trivial matters like “sexual harassment”, “rape”, “treason”, or “covfefe.” Perhaps one of Trump’s greatest issues is the Left’s conflation of his business and political personas. Thus, Trump needs to drop the acting and simply focus on the brand. This is a move right of Trump’s own playbook; prior to being President, Trump was only able to clear the books by attaching his names to real estate development projects in such democratic luminaries as Azerbaijan, United Arab Emirates, and Panama. In this example, we see another path to Trump’s salvation: While everything the man directly touches disintegrates from the toxicity of his sheer ineptness, his name-brand is more than sufficiently able to generate profit. Therefore, rather than Lincoln or Washington, we think the Wizard of Oz is the best possible exemplar for the Trump administration; Just sit back and count your rubles while the power of the Trump brand-name pays for the new Latino child cage industry fueling American economic growth.

5. The Tide Pod Challenge

Through his frequent tweets, President Trump has already redefined the way a sitting president is able to communicate and engage his constituents. These irrational, stream-of-consciousness rants seem to consistently bail Trump out of trouble and galvanize his support base. Thus, why not take it one step further and engage in a bit of viral self-marketing? Time and again, The Donald has redefined the American business paradigm. Why shouldn’t he do it with communications? We strongly advise that President Trump participate in the Tide Pod Challenge that swept the nation this year. Most kids online seem to struggle with one… That is why we explicitly recommend that Trump eat as many Tide Pods as possible. Maybe 5? Fuck it, do 20 just to show these kids what spoiled millennial pussies they are. Just in case of an emergency, the number for the American Association of Poison Control Centers is 1 (800) DIE- SLOW.

 

For Your Health: The Many Faces of Trump Derangement Syndrome

19 July 2018

Early yesterday morning, President Trump took to Twitter, the favored official communicative medium of semi-literate adolescents and the Russian intelligence services, to roll back his comments yesterday regarding the rollback of his comments Monday, following the Helsinki Summit with President Putin.

If that statement confused you, or, if you were previously confused as to why the United States President appeared to present the nation’s metaphorical testicles to a rapacious Cossack despot, then you may be suffering from a radical new disease called “Trump Derangement Syndrome.”

Always one to put matters of public health squarely at the front of the queue of the domestic political agenda, Trump described this phenomenon early Tuesday (see above).

Therefore, how does one know that they have Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS)? What are the symptoms and how is it spread? Thankfully, WikiLeeks reached out to Sigismund Smith, who holds a PhD and tenured position at the University of Old South Wales.

“TDS can be an incredibly tricky disease to diagnose. There is still much we in the medical community do not yet understand. However, please be on the lookout for the following symptoms. If you exhibit these, you may be suffering TDS.”

Attribution of Consistent Meaning to Words, Concepts, and Phrases

If you are getting caught up on the seemingly contradictory, ludicrous nature of dialogue within our political culture, you may be suffering from TDS. For example, the distinction between “would” and “wouldn’t” is essentially null.

Belief in Traditional, Proven Information Systems

It is quite apparent to any rational analyst that the previous sources of US intelligence community, organizations such as the FBI, CIA, and media establishment that grew up with the nation and helped to protect from enemies both foreign and domestic, are unquestionably engaged in an effort to undermine not only the executive branch, but the very fabric of American society. In other words, if you doubt the veracity of information based upon its inconvenience toward whatever your understanding of the give issue is, you should be just fine.

A Desire to Form Your Own Opinions about Reality based on Subjective Rationality

“Reality is, you know, the tip of an iceberg of irrationality that we’ve managed to drag ourselves up onto for a few panting moments before we slip back into the sea of the unreal.” Let the sea of the unreal wash gently wash around and consume you. Like Jack in Titanic, just let go and let the sweet, warm bliss of the void take you far from the pain of independent, critical thinking.

An Unfamiliarity with Russian Language and Customs

Если вы можете прочитать это то у вас есть болезнь

A Healthy Respect for the Female Gender, Equality, and other Minority Populations

In the Moses Test, recently developed through  some of the nation’s most cutting-edge psychological research, a child is shown a series of pictures of various, hominoid “stick-figure” representations in a variety of situations. The subject is then asked to describe their reaction to them. A TDS-free child will only feature positive acknowledgement for the following figure:

If a child exhibits any sort of acceptance to the image below, they are immediately quarantined and caged at one of America’s many private detention facilities: