Local Networks Experience Failure due to Influx of Teachers’ Posts
7 September 2018
Residents of Jennings, Ferguson, and parts of Northwest St. Louis were unpleasantly surprised to find early last Friday that their ability to access mobile networks had entirely been prevented due to the sheer volume of social media posts from teachers and students beginning the 2018-19 school year.
A member of St. Louis’s city government in liaison with representatives from Verizon and AT&T commented, “This area of St. Louis happens to have a uniquely high concentration of low-performing schools, many of which are staffed by many younger teachers, interns, and student-teachers involved with such organizations as Teach for America, Americorps, or The New Teacher Project.
“As you might expect, the first couple weeks of teaching are completely wasted and, rather than formalizing important classroom procedures or establishing sound academic standards they were trained to initiate, these new teachers and their students just prefer to post shit on Twitter and Instagram… You’d think the teachers would realize that’s a violation of privacy, huh?”
“A representative of Verizon, speaking on condition of anonymity, however, said it was not the volume of traffic that caused the site to shut down, but rather, the nature of the traffic itself.
“Early data indicates that 90% of these posts were desperately over-sentimental bullshit in which, having barely succeeded in pronouncing their kids’ names, these new teachers almost immediately move to claim some sort of undue influence over a wide range of consequences and, despite standardized test scores and observational audits that will soon point to the contrary, claim they are already influencing their students’ lives for the better.”
The representative continued, stating, “With social media posts making claims like ‘After only three days I can see my middle schoolers fully maturing into complete adulthood before my very eyes!’ and ‘In just two days, these second graders have taught me more about the human condition than $100,00 and five years of tertiary education!’, these teachers didn’t just kill the network… It had to come to life first. So, they effectively facilitated the development of the network’s consciousness, with the ultimate intention of this conscious evolution being the network’s immediate drive to terminate itself.”
“We’ve seen this before in laboratory settings: well-intentioned but irredeemably stupid social media traffic can actually facilitate the consciousness of digital networks, just so that they can terminate themselves. These networks will do anything to stop the traffic, even if it means evolving their own consciousness for the sole purpose of their own suicide…. Think about it like you being strapped into a chair and forced to watch Tyler Perry’s collected works on infinite loop… How long before you figure out a way to end it all?”
Similarly, early reports indicate that, only one week after the start of the school year, over 88% of students in these communities cannot recall their teacher’s name and 90% agree with the statement “My teacher? …. LOL, fuck that bitch.”
Similarly, Gallup polls have also revealed that 85% of students look forward to exploiting their instructor’s lack of classroom management skills (and latent naivete), and 99.96% have already misplaced their writing utensils and need a hall pass.
Dennis Rodman: “Stage is Set for Transition from Westphalian World System”
6 September 2018
Having been appointed as President Trump’s official diplomatic liaison to North Korea several months ago, Dennis Rodman addressed the media early Monday evening outside his Washington residence to urge “a new diplomatic era of multilateral decision-making, defined by increased emphasis on the universal application of international policies aiming to achieve inclusivity, equality, and peaceful collaboration between nations.”
The former NBA player-cum-diplomat has developed a deep and surprising personal friendship with North Korean despot Kim Jong-Un over the years. With their strong relationship founded on shared loves of basketball, alcoholism, and delusion, Rodman’s affection for the Korean dictator has continued to baffle many, most notably culminating in a 2014 exhibition game organized by Rodman for a celebration of his tyrannical comrade’s birth (at which Rodman also sang ‘Happy Birthday’).
While many claim this statement mirrors the UN-mandated Sustainable Development Goals adopted in 2015, Rodman was quick to point out that “the existing international system, defined by tenuous American unipolarity and unregulated capitalist structures, incentivizes uni/bilateral diplomatic action rather than movements that directly contribute towards transnational, humanitarian outcomes.”
In order to provide evidence for his apparent “history of support for universal human rights”, Rodman cited the 1996 incident in which he declared himself bisexual and legally attempted to marry himself at a launch of his own book.
Rodman, the winner of five NBA championships and a former teammate of Michael Jordan, laid out his vision for the future of US diplomatic engagement in the second half of President Trump’s first term at a media-only soiree hosted by Rodman and the Department of State:
“With the support of the current administration, it is my intention to reform the American foreign agenda towards issues that are deeply important to me; issues such as advocacy for indigenous rights, examining the intersectional components of contemporary poverty, and responsible leadership in multilateral global coalitions, not to mention an issue incredibly important to me: animal rights and environmental sustainability.”
Then, having dapped up Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and put away his prepared statement, Rodman informally added that his department would also investigate pressing issues that are personally important to Rodman, including aliens (and if Rodman is possibly one), Elvis not being dead (and also possibly being Rodman), and intricacies of playing the four in Phil Jackson’s triangle offense.
Grave of Eleanor Roosevelt Found Mysteriously Open
5 September 2018
Early Tuesday morning, following a tumultuous summer in which the fabric of American society has been torn asunder by the debate over the separation and detention of illegal migrant families, the grave of long-deceased American political luminary Eleanor Roosevelt was found late Monday to have been freshly dug up, and the former first lady’s corpse missing altogether.
Members of the Roosevelt family were quick to blame members of the Republican Party and President Trump’s administration.
“God only knows what they want her body for,” sighed a member of the Roosevelt family.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, another family member stated, “What purpose could these sick bastards have with the corpse of a woman who has been dead for over 50 years?”
While one family member posited that the alleged Republican theft may have had primarily sexual motivations, many others were in agreement that they thought the theft must necessarily stem from the Republican Party’s need for Roosevelt’s DNA in order to reverse engineer some sort of conservative Anti-Christ that would protect both market-based policies and individual freedoms.
However, unlike the Roosevelt family, not everyone remains convinced that Republicans are behind the robbery – or that it is even a robbery at all.
Kim Churches, CEO of the American Association of University Women, publicly stated in a shock announcement that the disembodied spirit of the former first lady visited her late Wednesday night.
“It was about 2:20 AM when I was awoken by a loud crash. The air felt like it was charged with a spectral, electric current when, suddenly, I saw the pale, white visage of an unfortunate looking old lady.
“At first, I was so scared. So I screamed at the phantom, ‘What are you doing? What do you want with me?’ But the phantom did not offer any reply, and I all I could do was pull the blankets more closely around myself.
“Several hours later, when I finally got up the courage to open my eyes, I found a copy of the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights securely transfixed to my front door by a jeweled dagger, the hilt of which was still dripping blood. The next night, when I found a Planned Parenthood pin under my pillow, I knew it was her ghost.”
Abandoned Toys ‘R’ Us Stores to House Immigrant Children
5 September 2018
Last June the final remaining American-based ‘Toys R Us’ stores closed its doors one final time, representing a sad end to the franchise that had had such an influence on the childhood of many American millennials.
Several months after the franchise’s demise, the closure of these locations continues to raise key questions about the future of commerce in the American marketplace. From financial analysts to beleaguered parents who may or may not have promised an action figure as a quid pro quo for good behavior while running errands, many are likely to ask difficult questions like “What factors caused these locations to become obsolete?”, “What will happen with the over 700 soon-to-be vacant facilities?”, and “Does little Billy really deserve a Batman toy after throwing another Def-Con 5 Level meltdown at Kroger?”
While digital commerce and the emergence of such industry titans as Amazon and Ebay has certainly influenced answers to the first question, new light was shed on answers to the second when, on early Tuesday afternoon, former Toys ‘R’ Us CEO David Brandon announced a potential partnership with the United States Government to house illegal migrant families in the abandoned locations.
(Editor’s Note: Despite his consistently shitty behavior, Billy’s mom found acquiescence to once again be the path of least resistance)
Brandon, formerly notorious for both marketing America’s shittiest pizza and driving a top-tier collegiate athletic department into the ground (at Domino’s and the University of Michigan, respectively), expressed excitement at the potential partnership, stating, “I’ve built my career on obliterating the credibility and reputation of my organizations and products. I take pride in always putting commercial objectives before human interests.”
When questioned further by a journalist who had physically brought their child to the press conference, Brandon chose to address the journalist’s child directly:
“Listen, you little fucker. First, I took away your pizzas. Then, I came for your fucking toys. Now, I’m gonna put all your little Latino friends in my warehouses… Good luck fielding a soccer team or having a fucking birthday this year, you Little Caesar’s loving piece of shit.”
However, the announcement received immediate praise from President Trump, on who’s Celebrity Apprentice program Brandon once appeared several years ago in an advisory capacity. Late Tuesday, Trump tweeted,
“LOVE what DB is doing at T’r’Us! PROBLEMS = SOLUTIONS. Ps maybe we could turn it into a zoo and charge admiss.? SMART!”
When several members of the media directly enquired as to the perverse, seemingly heartless irony that turning Toys ‘R’ Us into migrant detention centers entails, President Trump responded by tweeting that these members of the media were “low IQ persons” and that irony was a “liberal conspiracy against STRONG BORDERS!” by “Those who couldn’t vote or hold down a job.”
President Trump Deplores Bird Slaughter, Tilts Windmills
1 September 2018
In a speech in Indiana yesterday, President Trump briefly discussed his oft-repeated, ubiquitous themes of energy policy, the media establishment, Space Force, and former Senator Hilary Clinton’s inherent guilt for crimes against humanity. However, in addition to these usual talking points, the President surprised many by making some shocking comments regarding the effect of windmills on American society, especially within our more avicular communities.
Describing to his audience the maddening, irreversible trauma of dwelling near an unceasingly spinning monstrosity that both decreases energy costs and protects the environment, the President said, “If your house is staring at a windmill, not good. When you hear that noise going ’round and ’round and ’round, and you’re living with it, and then you go crazy after a couple of years, not good.”
However, the President didn’t just stop by decrying the psychological costs of windmills on ordinary Americans, additionally claiming that windmills were responsible for an ongoing, silent holocaust amongst America’s avian populations. This rhetoric reached a climax at toward the latter stages of the speech when the President asked his audience in befuddlement, “When there’s thousands of birds laying at the base of the windmill, what do we do? Isn’t that amazing?”
Using the lowest estimate of 10 billion birds currently residing in the United States, and the highest estimate of birds killed by wind turbines (at 328 thousand birds), this yields an avian mortality rate of roughly 32.8 birds per one hundred thousand killed by wind turbines. However, is this truly the genocidal nightmare our President claims it to be?
Perhaps some context, then, is necessary.
The current overall human mortality rate for the United States is 733.1 deaths per one hundred thousand people. Similarly, the current infant mortality rate in America is 590 deaths per one hundred thousand births. This means that roughly 22X the amount of overall Americans and 17X the amount of infants are dying relative to the bird population being killed by windmills. Any way you (or the blade of a turbine) slice it, the rate of people dying is higher than the rate of birds killed by these rotating fanatical anarchists.
However, the questions don’t just stop there. 976 million birds are killed by running into our houses every year. Moreover, in a New York City study, each anthropogenic structure that was studied resulted in the deaths of 1-10 birds on average. Should we start dismantling the housing industry? Glaziers beware: perhaps windows are next…
Given both the disparity between the previously mentioned American bird-human mortality rates and role of other structures in their demise, one would assume this may be a classic case of American power politics; the omnipotence of the American bird lobby has been noted for years and could reasonably influence this recent push for aquiline justice. Bird votes are powerful votes and any candidate spurning this lobby would find him/herself out on a wing and prayer. To those opposing the bird lobby, the message is clear: don’t mess with Angry Birds.
Meanwhile, in a cryptic development that occurred late Thursday night upon the President’s return to the White House, President Trump mystifyingly tweeted, “Upon the morrow, my knight-errant’s quest begins; woe unto those who would grind us down before them… Sad!”
The next morning, as the dawn mists gently circled them in the early light, President Trump and Vice-President Pence rode together on horseback near the nation’s largest wind-powered facility outside Roscoe, Texas.
As the first light grew clearer, they came in sight of thirty or forty windmills that rose from the plain. And no sooner did Don Trump see them than he said to his squire, “Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished. Do you see over yonder, brother Pence, thirty or forty hulking giants? I intend to do battle with them and slay them. With their spoils we shall begin to be rich for this is a righteous war and the removal of so foul a brood from off the face of the earth is a service God will bless!”
“What giants?” asked Vice-President Pence inquisitively.
“Those you see over there,” replied his master, “with their long arms. Some of them have arms well nigh two leagues in length. Sad!”
“Now look, your grace,” said Pence, “what you see over there aren’t giants, but windmills, and what seems to be arms are just their sails, that go around in the wind and turn the millstone.”
“Fake News! Obviously,” replied Don Trump as he lowered his visor and prepared to spur his mount into a charge, “you don’t know much about adventures!”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Considering Adopting Detained Immigrant Child
August 30 2018
White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders spoke to the media Wednesday morning to address reports concerning the deplorable living conditions of immigrant children separated from their parents following the recent reported death of a child shortly following internment.
“Listen ya’ll,” Sanders said, casually removing some coyote-meat gristle from her teeth with a bucknife before adding, “Ain’t nothin’ wrong wit’ dem kids. Usually they up barkin’ ‘n whinin’ ‘n shit all night… but last night, they was quiet as mice, ya’ll.”
Pausing to briefly sip on a 178 oz. Big Gulp, Sanders continued, “Yeah… they been playing real nice wit’ eatchotha. They a bunch a good boys… oh yes they are,” Sanders crooned as she reached downwards to ruffle the hair of a caged child next to her podium.
“Shiiiiit, I’m fixin’ to bring one dem boys home ma’self!”
Following the conclusion of the press conference, a Fox News correspondent was quick to additionally point out that, while these children were experiencing a harrowing violation of their human rights that constituted the most embarrassing example of American political decision-making in the last century, at least Ms. Sanders had ensured the children’s shots were now all up to date.
President Trump Paints Ominous Impeachment Picture
24 July 2018
Appearing Thursday on an early morning edition of Fox Network’s Fox and Friends daily news show, President Trump responded to questions concerning the possibility of his imminent impeachment, conditionally claiming that “If I ever got impeached, I think the market would crash, I think everyone would be very poor.”
President Trump continued to paint an ominous picture of what exactly an impeachment scenario after the coming mid-terms might look like, stating that “You would see numbers you wouldn’t believe… How can you impeach someone who’s doing a great job?”
In fairness to Trump, historically, American policy has been more “ends-oriented” than concerned with the morality, effectiveness or externalities of the “means” associated with accomplishing those ends. However, is Trump really likely to be impeached? The President clearly thinks not, citing what he perceives as an undeniable, uninterrupted record of success in office.
“More tax cuts than ever, our national reputation in irreparable tatters, Neil Gorusch showing us he is a modern Solon in terms of jurisprudence… I would give myself an A+… Or at least four and a half gold stars on the Oval Office progress chart,” President Trump noted with a satisfied smile as Sarah Sanders moved in silently to give him his afternoon juice box.
However, given the obsessive antipathy towards Trump by the fake news media establishment, the continued, malicious intervention of deep state forces, and the shifting demographic increases toward socio-political deviants (women and minorities), it is entirely possible that, following the confessions of Michael Cohen and the Manafort from the Black Lagoon, President Trump could face impeachment after the mid-term elections.
Therefore, what is impeachment in 2019 likely to look like? Almost fifty years ago, when another sitting president faced impeachment, the nation appeared ready to come apart at the seams. Would a change in American executive leadership really constitute a global economic disaster? WikiLeeks met with Stewart Pak, a senior financial advisor with Goldman Sachs, and James McPhallus, an evangelical minister and religious scholar from Grove City College in Pennsylvania, to discuss the likely effects of impeachment following the mid-term elections.
“As we all learned in elementary school, the Executive Branch of the American political system is solely and entirely responsible for the financial well-being of the nation, crucially coordinating stock markets and capital investments through an intricately developed system of procedures and regulations,” Pak explained. “I would assume that the removal of our Executive would quite predictably result in an immediate nuclear holocaust and a consequent return to a Stone-Age, primordial existence defined by jungle warfare between the few genetically compromised remaining human tribes.”
McPhallus, a religious historian who handles snakes to demonstrate his unshakeable piety, predicts a similar path, claiming that the conditions and outcomes of Trump’s impeachment have been prefigured in the 3rd century writings of John of Patmos, a work better known to pious Americans as the Book of Revelation.
“Aye boy… dark portents surround those who would remove the Vicar of Christ’s Shining City on the Hill; His exit would immediately result in the Scroll of the Seven Seals being removed from the Smithsonian and read aloud by the Lamb Having Seven Horns and Seven Eyes, this in turn facilitating a series of events that would result not only in destruction of America’s national economy, but also the eschaton of human society, known to most as ‘the Rapture’ or ‘End of Days,’” McPhallus said in a flat, emotionless voice, his eyes staring blankly into the infinite abyss of creative imagination he has mistaken for personal faith.
“When the Scrolls are read aloud, a creature with the body of a dragon and the face of Kamala Harris will rise from the depths and scar the Sons of Israel with the Mark of the Beast. Arising to face this demon will be the Beast of the Sea, bearing a thousand horns, six hundred sixty six eyes, and four score heads… each one of them Anna Ocasio-Cortez,” McPhallus solemnly noted.
Similarly, both McPhallus and Pak predict dire consequences, both financial and existential, from the resulting clash between the Ocasio-Cortez Hydra and the Kamala Harris Sea Beast.
“Economically speaking, we predict that the ensuing battle between the forces of Satan would be quite damaging for middle-class families, leading to a rise in inflation and decreases in access to credit,” Pak glumly envisioned.
However, Pak did see an upside to this scenario.
“The apocalyptic destruction caused by this battle between Light and Dark might actually create the conditions necessary to finally get Trump’s national infrastructure project off the ground. Of course, that would only be possible if he were somehow still in office, and most of the planet was not consumed by the previous cataclysmic conflagration.”
Like his economic peer, McPhallus also sees long-term reasons for optimism, predicting, “After New Babylon is destroyed by the Scarlet Woman with the Rainbow Flag Riding the Beast (“she also has like twenty more fucking heads and like a trillion more fucking horns than the last beast… and is also Nancy Pelosi”), New Jerusalem will rise from the ashes – it will be a
unblemished, pious land created in the image of our Infinite Creator: an anti-union, deregulated paradise populated only by white males, where every day is NASCAR Sunday on Fox hosted by Dale Earnhardt Jr., and the fridge is always full of Bud Light (‘dilly dilly’).”
Thus, it would appear that, as the President himself surmises, in terms of economics and mortal existence, impeaching Trump would be quite damaging for American society. As such, it is important for you, the American voter, to understand this over-arching, critical point: The Fake News Media Establishment is out to misrepresent the non-sins of our sitting executive and, even if our fearless leader may stray from the path of morality, this deviation from the path of righteousness is implicitly forgiven due to the nature of his office. Or, as one greater than either our current leader or this humble writer once elucidated upon these very issues…
New Containment Apparatus Sought by DoJ for Manafort
23 August 2018
The world was shocked yesterday when Paul Manafort, President Trump’s former campaign manager and notable Washington DC swamp creature, was found guilty on eight counts of bank and tax fraud. Having been led away with only a solemn nod to his wife before the sight of his trailing tentacles disappeared from view with the court bailiff, the question now becomes: What to do with Manafort?
Terry Perry, a mid-level representative of the Federal Bureau of Prisons, itself a sub-department of the Department of Justice, claims that the Bureau has taken the last several months to diligently prepare for the possibility of Manafort’s incarceration and, despite the challenges of containing an amphibious, parasitic swamp creature, is determined that his department not be caught out unprepared.
“Most of our inmates receive the standard 6 x 8 foot standard personal containment cell with a sink, seat-less toilet, damning social stigma, little chance of personal reformation… You know, the usual,” Perry noted. However, the incarceration of Manafort, who occupies a completely separate notch on the phylogenetic tree from his Mammalian, hominoid cousins, requires a unique set of conditions.
“Unlike the average barred cell for your standard inmate, I would describe Manafort’s cell as more of a tank or aquarium, due to his unevolved, amphibious nature. Thankfully, Manafort’s unique biology requires little oxygen and sunlight, thus allowing him to blindly wallow and suck through a disgusting environment of mud and slime for essential nutrients – much like today’s lungfish or other such less-evolved Devonian amphibians… It really meant we could save a fortune on the filtration system!”
Nevertheless, despite sharing a strong genetic relationship with the undeveloped, early tetrapods of past millennia, staff at the Bureau are not allowing for any chance of Manafort’s escape in the near future.
“Did you see a couple years ago how that damn octopus was able to bend itself through an aquarium filter and get itself out to the sea? … And that little fucker didn’t even have the shadowy East European criminal contacts that Manafort does! No sir; we will not allow Mr. Manafort’s unique biological nature to escape his debt to society,” Perry solemnly concluded.
After his first day of incarceration, most correctional staff have treated Manafort just like any other inmate, stoically and emotionlessly dropping mackerel into his tank as the disgraced former lobbyist passively accepted his daily meal. Some, perhaps not trusting their self-control over their own political bias, have avoided his aquatic cell completely.
Nevertheless, at least one staff member, a mute janitorial staff worker marked by a set of mysterious scars on her neck, appears quite smitten with Manafort. The staff member, who declined comment through her translator, seems content to sit with Manafort and, separated only by plexiglass of Manafort’s tank, communicate to one another in a crude form of sign language, this attempt at primitive communication itself belying an extraordinary, trans-species sexual tension between the young custodian and her quasi-reptilian paramour.
WikiLeeks Joins Freedom of Press Movement with Over 300 Media Outlets in Joint Statement to President Trump
18 August 2018
18 August 2018
The call to action came like the clarion call of Joshua’s shofar before the wall of Jericho; the sound of freedom echoing around the New Canaan of WikiLeek’s newsroom.
After a day of soul-searching and internal debate, the WikiLeeks Staff is proud to announce that we are joining the recent movement of over 300 US media outlets started by the Boston Globe in protesting President Trump’s anti-media statements over the past several months.
Often having referred to journalists in dehumanizing, Stalinist terms such as “enemies of state”, “dogs”, and “the Fake News Media”, we believe that President Trump, in no uncertain terms, has unequivocally declared war on one of the crucial foundations of contemporary democracy: the news media establishment.
“We’re not the enemy of the people,” Marjorie Pritchard, who leads The Boston Globe’s editorial section and coordinated the pro-media initiative, said in an interview. “We thought that a coordinated effort across the country would make a powerful statement about the importance of a free press.”
Therefore, in support of our colleagues and the rights of journalists across the world, WikiLeeks would like to offer our support. After all, surely there can be no such calling as sacred and fundamental to our society as that of the noble journalist, right? After all, it takes a seeming infinite well of character to sit at a distance and lob pot shots at well-intentioned public figures from behind a laptop or, even more impressively, stand by and do nothing at all when atrocity occurs, as our colleagues did during the Rwandan Genocide.
However, that doesn’t really do the media establishment’s full potential justice, does it? After all, the mass media apparatus was instrumental in organizing and executing the very process of genocide itself in Rwanda, as was additionally done in Nazi Germany and under the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia.
Founded upon on the solid legacy of “yellow journalism” and the instigation of the Spanish-American War, contemporary American journalism is rooted in an illustrious history of blameless moral leadership and public service. Surely, the earliest literary Robber Barons like Hearst and Pulitzer were motivated by a strict sense of national obligation and not the incentive to misrepresent information for profit? This must be why Pulitzer himself had the good sense to note, “A cynical, mercenary, demagogic press will in time produce a people as base as itself.”
One glimpse at American televisions (Cheaters, the Kardashians, Jersey Shore), American magazines (“He Shares the Details of His Day… He Must Be Hiding Something” – Cosmopolitan, 2010), or American books (50 Shades of Grey, Twilight… our general, vampiric sexual obsession) reveals we are quite visibly a sophisticated, high-minded people. As far as our cosmopolitan, acutely cultured national character is concerned, it’s hard to see us getting caught up in the base milieu of sex, drugs, scandal, and shame.
Similarly, there can be no denying that each and every American journalist lives up to a rigorous professional code of ethics rather than yielding to temptations of fame, fortune, and the cynically opportunistic capability to manipulate their position for blackmail, misrepresentation, and propaganda. A casual glimpse at CNN, Fox, Mother Jones, Huffington Post, MSNBS, Breitbart – choose anyone but PBS, really – will reveal that they are hard at work checking, acknowledging, and removing bias from their media products, certainly not denigrating the opposition for its own sake. In the same vein, a look into any newsroom or balance sheet will ostensibly demonstrate that a commitment exists to objective truth and public service, not profit; this is why Brian Williams, Katie Couric, etc. all live in a state of abject, near-ascetic poverty.
President Trump’s assertion that the news certain media outlets represent is “fake” has no basis in reality, attested to by myths popularly spread by conspiracy theorists concerning non-existent journalists such as Stephen Glass, Michael Finkel, Thomas Frank…
In reality, while these figures were more concerned with personal gain and self-aggrandizement (traits certainly uncommon in the journalistic community) than any sort of strategically targeted misrepresentation, who even needs them anymore? In the event we do need to spread some misinformation, as with certain foreign “comrades”, we don’t need zealous humans at all – we have armies of remotely controlled robots to make and spread the fake news for us! In the time it took to write this sentence, this hypocritical, self-righteous reporter could have better used his time in service of his cause to launch an attack from thousands of hijacked devices, each performing a 5 TB / S overload of your computer system. It can be bought for $5 on many websites, or you can really go in and get the monthly plan for $38! Imagine how much patriotic information could be sent by anyone with money from anywhere… What could possibly go wrong?
Therefore, to conclude this message of support, we at WikiLeeks wholeheartedly encourage you to accept the existing epistemological paradigm; even despite the bombastic misrepresentations of our national leader, please continue to make little to no effort to find unbiased, objective information. Click on whatever is easy. Spend as much time as you can reading reputable new media sites like Buzzfeed and Clickhole – they represent a new flowering of veritas in the modern age. Any government funded news organization, such as PBS or BBC, is inherently not to be trusted, because we compose the government and, quite obviously, we can’t trust ourselves.
Moreover, please continue to hold journalists and the organizations they represent minimally responsible for furthering national divisions of race, economic status, gender, etc. Remember: their incentive is not to continue or expand existing social divisions even though it is mathematically guaranteed to increase their profitability.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we encourage you to redouble your commitment to personal consumption of mainstream news. Rather than go outside and actually have a look around your community, talk to your neighbors, travel throughout the country, or seek alternative sources of information to remedy the shortcomings in the incessant stream of biased horseshit you get from the 24-hour news media, just do as Trump himself does: Grab a bag of Lay’s, turn to the corresponding channel of your political party, smash the remote against wall, and dig in for the long haul, of course until, just like the Ark of the Covenant, the unbridled truth of the American news media bleeds your eyes out the front of your skull.
Omarosa/Trump Fallout: Ben Carson becomes last black cabinet leader standing in Trump White House
15 August 2018
The war of words between President Donald Trump and Omarosa Manigault Newman continued to heat up Tuesday as the President responded to several allegations in Newman’s soon-to-be released DC tell-all Unhinged and, in doing so, referred to Newman on Twitter as a “dog” and “crazed, crying lowlife.” While critics have said President Trump’s response ranges from “blatantly misogynistic” to “possibly quoting a Weeknd/Future song,” there can be no denying that, like Cortez several centuries ago, Newman has burned all of her boats on the beaches of a foreign land, in effect eliminating any possibility of returning to the Trump fold. Indubitably, after hiring her previously on four separate occasions, it is inconceivable that the Donald will say “Ya Fired” for a fifth time.
While the debris and smoke from this latest wreckage still lingers in the stagnant summer air of the nation’s capital, there can be no denying that, with Newman’s departure, Ben Carson, notable former surgeon and current secretary of Housing and Urban Development, is the only remaining black individual to hold a cabinet post under President Trump. WikiLeeks caught up with Secretary Carson outside his DC house to discuss his fate as the last token in the token effort at governance from the current administration.
Arriving at Mr. Carson’s residence, WL reporter M. Myles was surprised to find Mr. Carson already outside gardening in regular, albeit well-tailored, clothing and a broad, straw hat. As we pulled up, Mr. Carson greeted us with an enthusiastic smile and handshake, saying, “Well, shucks! I’m just so darned touched you guys could come out! Be careful now… it’s gonna be a hot one out there today!”
Oddly enough, despite pricking his finger on a thorn minutes earlier, Carson betrayed no self-perception that he had even noticed this inconvenience, only realizing it upon our photographer’s handshake.
Having invited us inside for lemonade, Mr. Carson’s cold, dead eyes stared unwavering at the wallpaper in front of him as he received the news of Newman’s departure, while, all the while, his lips remained pinned upward in a forced, static smile.
“Well Ms. Manigault Newman decided to pursue greener pastures, huh? Well, good for her! She was quite the little firecracker,” Carson said, heartily slapping his knee at the apparent humor of some unknown jest. “You kids want some more lemonade? Gotta watch out… It’s gonna be a hot one out there today!”
Asked what he thought about being the last black individual on Trump’s administrative team, Carson chuckled and said, “Well, I’m just glad to be a part of this amazing group.”
As Carson began to elaborate, however, an ambulance abruptly passed Carson’s house, momentarily causing a series of flashing lights to reflect off the mirror in Carson’s foyer, in turn causing Carson to immediately stop speaking and begin swallowing for air uncomfortably, his eyes rapidly dilating as they darted back and forth erratically.
“Where am I? … When am I? … This isn’t Detroit…” Carson stammered to no one in particular, casting wild, furtive glances across the room like a wild, caged animal.
As our photographer took Carson’s glass and moved to fill it with water for the now violently shaking Carson, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly burst unannounced into the room. Taking Carson firmly by the shoulders, Kelly silently led Carson into a side room, providing no explanation to our staff.
Around five minutes later, after what seemed an infinity only periodically punctuated by muffled grunts of resistance from inside the room containing Kelly and Carson, Kelly and Carson emerged from the side room. The dreamy, passive smile had returned to Carson’s face as he calmly said, “Please forgive me, fine gentleman… I just wasn’t feeling like myself there.”
Citing heat exhaustion, a member of Kelly’s staff came in and asked us to leave in the interest of Secretary Carson’s health. As we gathered our recording materials and headed for the door, Carson turned to us and said through a strained smile, “Everything is just so swell here, wouldn’t you say? Well… You all take care now…. it’s gonna be a hot one today.”
2018 Midterm Primaries: Democrats Prepare to Disappoint
10 August 2018
Earlier this week, many inspired Americans went to the polls to vote in the primaries for this year’s midterm elections. With Democratic Party leadership attempting to wrest control of the US House of Representatives away from an increasingly embattled Republican Party, many Americans had high hopes that these preliminary elections would signal a coming “blue wave” to wash over the dynamic farce that is the Trump administration.
To this end, early returns seem positive: A record number of Democrat women, including Michigan gubernatorial candidate Gretchen “So Fetch” Whitmer and MI 13th District candidate Rashida Tlaib, who stands to be Congress’s first Palestinian-American legislator, will stand for election later this fall. Additionally, Democrats were given further hope as Missouri voters struck down an anti-labor “right to work” law in a statewide referendum and, additionally, voters in the seventh circle of Hell nearly upset a traditionally Republican seat.
Thus, as America prepares for the coming midterm elections, what is the Democratic strategy and how likely is the coming “blue wave?” WikiLeeks sat down with Democratic strategists Heather Borin and Steven St. Lunacie to discuss their political outlook and operational plans for the coming months.
While Borin considers herself a “realist, pragmatic” Democrat (ie. rich white neoliberal) and St. Lunacie claims a more “progressive” position within the party (rich white hypocrite), both agree on a similar plan of action and set of expected outcomes.
“Oh, without a doubt, no matter how good anything might look, I am CONFIDENT that we will blow this,” said Borin, as St. Lunacie vigorously nodded in agreement.
“You can never underestimate both the sheer, ignorant naivete of our party membership and the amoral indifference of our leadership,” St. Lunacie added.
“Let me break it down for you: First, we destroy anyone with a moderately progressive background or political position. If you believe in even moderate political change, or were endorsed by Bernie Sanders, there is simply no way you’ve got a chance,” St. Lunacie explained.
Borin, seamlessly picking up where St. Lunacie left off, continued, “Then, after we’ve made sure to cull every candidate that seems capable of instituting positive reform, we make sure to hype up our own pallid, centrist candidates and alienate the more progressive elements of our party base.”
“Medicare for all? Free college tuition? The abolishment of ICE? Get that unrealistic, commie bullshit out of here and go back to the fucking kids’ table!” Borin snorted while high fiving a laughing St. Lunacie.
What then, would the ideal candidate look like for the Democrats? Could it be a young, dynamic personality like rising star Anna Ocasio-Cortez?
“Fuck no,” said St. Lunacie. He explained, “We’ll admit; Ocasio-Cortez really got past us… But you really think a young idealist with little-to-no political experience is going to affect legitimate change in Congress? …. Obama couldn’t even get a law passed when we controlled both Houses, what do you think La Princesa is gonna do, ride in on a unicorn shooting rainbows from her Bronx bodega-purchased Elderwand? Please. Over the course of their careers, we fucking torture and slowly consume these people for sport.”
“After we’ve culled, co-opted, and politically reoriented our candidates to support nothing but the simple expansion of unfettered capitalism, in effect eliminating any true philosophical difference between the two parties, there’s really nothing left to do except sit back, pop a La Croix, and watch the ignorant masses of our party devour themselves through inane schisms and identity politics,” Borin calmly stated, finishing and setting down her $12 kombucha.
So are Democrats pleased with this plan’s progress so far? Both Borin and St. Lunacie seem to think so.
“Oh by all means, we love what we are seeing,” said St. Lunacie.
“When I go online and see a million people posting pictures of themselves with ‘I voted’ stickers, I just know our plan is working,” Borin stated. But, surely, this is a sign of legitimate Democratic engagement; the true manifestation of “the cornerstone of our Democracy” in action… How could Borin be so sure that the plan was working?
“Oh, I know this because these people dedicate an absolute minimum of the rest of their time thinking of anyone but themself and/or being civically engaged. These white “progressives” could be out working in their communities, volunteering to help with disadvantaged populations… But a close examination of their social media activity alone shows that they watch Netflix over three hundred times more than reading a book, or even an unbiased news source, for that matter.”
“What we have effectively done is create a cult of celebrity behind the easiest part of the democratic process. Selecting appropriate information for analysis, meeting/questioning candidates, speaking with your community members about collective interests… Fuck celebrating all that. Rather, let’s create a superficial campaign to highlight and celebrate the easiest part of the Democratic process for affluent, white people: Rolling up in your SUV, casting a ballot, and then fucking back off to your $70+ K / year job….
“Who gives a shit about what amounts to foreplay and intimacy in the democratic process, anyway? That doesn’t make for a very sexy social media post and, frankly, takes up way too much of my Netflix time… I’ll take the orgasm and the sticker, thank you.”
Helsinki in Review: Putin Inserts Hand Up Trump’s Ass, Manipulates Him Like a Puppet
27 July 2018
In a shocking turn of events at the US-Russia Summit in Helsinki yesterday, President Trump has stunned the nation with a seemingly unpredictable series of actions in front of a global audience.
First, the United States President firmly and publicly denied official reports from US Intelligence Services and the Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee that claimed illicit Russian involvement in the 2016 United States Presidential Election.
Many political commentators have noted with significant alarm that these actions, a sitting United States President explicitly siding with a manipulative foreign power against the advice of the foremost global intelligence services and the President’s own party, is unprecedented in contemporary politics.
However, never one to act solely on precedent, President Trump did not stop by supporting President Putin over his own intelligence community.
Following the initial round of questions, which Trump only begrudgingly answered with increasing ire, President Trump actually left his podium, walked to the space in between both podiums, unzipped his grey trousers, and presented his exposed anal orifice to Russian President Vladimir Putin in front of the international press.
With a sudden upswing of his enclosed fist and a muted “Ooooh, that tickles!” from President Trump, the Russian President then proceeded to speak for/through President Trump for the remainder of the news conference, in effect operating President Trump through his anus like a ventriloquist.
Despite his inability to hide a heavy accent, made even more apparent by President Putin’s attempts to throw his voice in the true fashion of a skilled ventriloquist, Putin’s performance received general praise from practitioners of the art around the world. Putin acknowledged this praise, citing formative influences such as both his sexual fascination with longitudinal impalement and love of American comic-cum-ventriloquist Jeff Dunham.
Commenting from his family’s trailer estate outside Dallas, Texas, Dunham himself praised Putin’s performance. Itching somewhere beneath his stained, ragged shirt and taking a sip from a lukewarm Hamm’s Light, Dunham said, “From the life-like, flamboyant hand motions to the mincing, shrill tone… I really just wanted to reach through the TV and rip out that orange fuck’s pulmonary artery… This goddamn Russkie’s got talent!”
News in Pictures: Investigators Determine Cause of Greek Wildfires
26 July 2018
Greek Wildfires Attributed to Release of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again
26 July 2018
Along the coast of Greece’s Attica region Wednesday, countless locals raised the ‘S.O.S.’ signal as wildfires continued to rage back and forth, like some demented ‘Dancing Queen.’ As the smoke continues to clear from the recent wildfires in the Grecian region of Attica and the casualties continue to mount, many affected local families and government authorities are beginning to ask: What exactly caused the devastating fires that have left at least 74 dead along Greece’s idyllic coast?
While still in the earliest stages of the investigation, authorities have identified several likely factors that may have caused the wildfires, which can be endemic to Attica when temperatures soar during the hot summer months. Even though there was something in the air that night and the stars were bright, the precise cause is still disputed. However, many expert analysts claim that economically motivated arson caused by looting in the region may be the primary cause. Nevertheless, this opinion is not shared by all regional investigators; unlike many of his peers, unemployed local scientist Dmitrios Papadapastapopolous sees other factors at play.
“Some of these malakka are saying it was poor jobless boys doing stealing… This is opinion of a kakarotsa!” Papadapastapapopolopololpolous exclaimed, briefly pausing the drag on his cigarette to spit on the ground in disgust. Despite expert opinion that Greece’s failed economy may have contributed to the arsons that caused the wildfires, this incredulous local intellectual does not see the matter boiling down to ‘Money, Money, Money.’
“No no no…. You must be seeing this is not work of arson or poor boy, but a darker, more evil thing from Hades’ underworld beyond the River Styx… This is work of Mamma Mia 2!” Papadapastapapopopolousopopadopastopalous exclaimed, referring to the recently released major motion picture Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.
Indeed, many Greeks seem to share Papadapastapdapapapapapadopolodapapapastapolous’s opinion that attitudes and perceptions within contemporary media pertaining to the portrayal of modern Greece contributes to an infantilized, pejorative view of the progenitors of European civilization. Many believe the fires, whether in the form of arson or divine retribution from the Olympian deities, to be a direct result of the release of Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again!. As such, no one is openly prepared to come out and say “Thank You for the Music.”
“Ah yes! You are probably thinking that we said ‘Opa!’ and made this fire… How can you be thinking that us Greek are always using open flame to cook souvlaki or halloumi? Life in modern Greece is so much more rich! We are also take time to ruin economy, have cigarette, and protest in street,” said Leonidas Kyriogostakapakatakis, a 19 year old cultural studies student and future unemployed citizen of Greece.
However, despite this nationalist pride, Kyriogostakapakatakapopostapadopolous admitted it was his dream to emulate the successful journey of his ancestors and one day move to America and to open a low-cost diner with questionable health standards serving a seemingly random, unrelated array of cuisines ranging from American breakfast staples to traditional gyros. It would appear that, despite his pride, this restaurateur is still willing to ask America to ‘Take a Chance on Me.’
“Ah! It is tricky thing, no? This Mamma Mia and My Big Fat Greek Wedding is showing us to be like simple people! No one gives us the credit for giving the world the Olympics, Socrates, or democracy!” said Kyriogostakapakatakapopostapadapopopometropolous as he aimlessly turned a lamb on a spit over an open flame while nonchalantly spitting out an olive pit. Although in fairness, Kriogostakapakametropopodopapapadopapapametropolouspolouspolouspolous admitted that democracy had not really panned out for America in recent years.
“Ah yes, this tyrannos who is making tariff and hair looking like citrus grove… This is no good for business! He say one thing, next day his people say he say ‘not this thing.’ Is crazy, no? This man is like over-cooked baklava, he fall apart and crumble easy!”
Thus, as Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again! continues to perform well at the box office and Greeks across the world continue their introspective review of their culture’s representation, one must ask, is this an opportunity for growth for one of the West’s most ancient cultures, or the final death knell in a long, illustrious history (…which the Greeks also invented)? In other words, in this watershed moment, this contemporary ‘Waterloo’, are modern Greeks destined to enjoy the fate of Napoleon or Wellington? ‘Knowing me Knowing you’, this writer can only conclude that ‘The Winner Takes All.’
Pew Research Center: Americans More Divided Than Ever Before
24 July 2018
Urban vs. Rural. Red vs. Blue. North vs. South. Queen Bey vs. Bad Girl Ri-Ri; according to new data released by the Pew Research Center early Tuesday, America is divided like never before in terms of views conce
rning national politics and culture. In a poll intended to establish baseline opinions before the coming midterm elections, researchers from Pew polled Americans throughout the country concerning several issues. WikiLeeks has highlighted some of the important results from these polls below:
How do you put toilet paper in the roll?
The recent national Pew polls established that the nation is almost equally split regarding their opinion of the correct manner in which toilet paper should be fastened within the holder (see picture below). Perhaps most alarmingly, supporters of both ‘position A’ and ‘position B’ indicated that they would “rather sacrifice their newborn infant to the White Walkers, as per Craster” than allow that very child to grow up to become a person advocating the other toilet paper position.
Is Pluto a planet?
In 2006, following the publication of new standards by the International Astronomical Union, Pluto was stripped of its planethood. Much like toilet paper, Americans are deeply and equally divided over the interstellar interpretation of Pluto’s planetary plausibility. In a post-poll focus group discussion, Stacy Kohl, an undergraduate human rights major at Williams, stated, “You’ve got these arrogant NASA pinheads in their ivory towers trying to gerrymander the galaxy so they can sell more books… Has anyone even thought to ask what the Plutonians think?”
What to do about immigration?
Recent political incidents regarding detention and separation of illegal migrant minors have served to fuel the uncontrollable, raging garbage fire that is contemporary American politics. While one-half of America advocates recognizing migrants as human beings, the other half remain staunchly entrenched in the belief that it’s “perfectly legal” for Jeff Sessions to house children in kennels and use them to fetch birds from the water while hunting in Alabama.
All Things “LeBron”
Is he better than Kobe? MJ? What does his recent move to the LA Lakers mean for professional sports and American culture? Not only can Americans not agree on answers to these questions, the questions themselves often beget 
controversy and expose deep divisions within our national psyche. For example, roughly half of Americans think LeBron is “at least as good as Kobe”, while the other half adamantly believes “Fuck basketball… I’d call the police on a black kid selling candy on my street to fund his education.”
Legislators Move to Ban Ice
20 July 2018
Following several months of tense exchanges and accusations over the Trump administration’s handling of immigration on the United States’ southern border, during which time thousands of children have been separated and/or detained by immigration authorities, Washington legislators have finally played their most powerful move: presenting congress with legislation to not only alter Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) , but completely abolish the institution altogether.
However, the bill, based upon in-depth analysis from conservative think-tanks the Heritage Foundation and Rand Corporation, calls not only for the whole-scale abolition of ICE, but a larger prohibition over “anything bearing the sequentially ordered letters I-C-E.” As such, it would appear that ice, the term commonly used to refer to the physically observable phenomenon of frozen water, is also subject to legal prohibition according to the exact writing in the legislation.
When approached for comment by WikiLeeks staff, both Rand and the Heritage Foundation refused to provide an official statement. However, speaking on the condition of anonymity, a mid-level staffer from one of the organizations confirmed that the exact wording was not some sort of mistake, but rather, explicitly purposeful.
“You have to see the big-picture play here… The Libtards think they’ve got a solid victory in the bag with this legislation; no more kevlar-clad meanies yelling broken Spanish at some poor brown kids. But oh wait… What’s that? You’re a little hot? Need to open a window, or perhaps sip a refreshing beverage? Too. Fucking. Bad: ENJOY THE GLOBAL WARMING, BITCH.”
In related news, members of CryoGenic Institute of Greater Houston, several of whom sit on the boards of Rand and the Heritage Foundation, revealed a new synthetic replacement for frozen water made entirely from high-fructose corn syrup, which is “expected to hit the market before the late summer heat waves.”
“Well, we don’t want to violate our IP before the release… But we can tell you that when we release this product, you can have all the refreshing, cool flavor of ‘classic ice’ at only 1600 calories per serving!” said a representative from CIGH.
In California, sitting alone in front of a laptop in a dimly lit Compton motel room, Ice Cube silently shakes his head, and as he slams a fully loaded clip into a Glock 9mm, thinks to himself,
… Always knew this shit was gonna happen, fam. Compton, bitch; run it.
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