5 October 2018 WOW WOW WEE WOW WOW, you guys! It has been over one hundred days since Vlad has been having pleasure of writing to you! Vlad has been so busy: making summer borsch, drinking vodka, using vodka to make summer borsch, training pet radioactive bear to drink vodka borsch… but Vlad’s thoughts are … Continue reading Just Putin’ Around: Vlad’s Summer Scrapbook →

2 October 2018 This weekend, the Pittsburgh Steelers lost their second game of the young NFL season to their heated divisional rivals, the Baltimore Ravens. Captain Ben Roethlisberger looked short of options and patience, as cameras often featured shots of the quarterback shaking his head in disbelief as he repeatedly walked off the field. With … Continue reading Steelers’ Bell Continues Refusal to Play Over “Misallocation of Spoils” →

2 October 2018 Last week, America was completely and thoroughly gripped by the Senate testimonies provided by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh and the alleged victim of sexual assault at his hands several decades ago, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. After a day of emotional testimony, which saw a series of acrimonious related protests throughout the … Continue reading FBI: “Sure, we’ll go through the motions, but…” →

28 September 2018 Local officers were called to the residence of Theodore J. Stapleton, a successful entrepreneur and member of several pro-business organizations, due to several complaints from neighboring property owners. According to local law enforcement sources, a majority of complaints stem from the fact that the local business magnate and chair of the state … Continue reading Local Entrepreneur’s Home Causes Complaints →

  *By Special Guest Writers: Martin Shkreli and Kwame Kilpatrick* 28 September 2018 Several months ago, Martin Shkreli, the enterprising capitalist known as the “Pharma Bro” who once increased the price of a vital anti-parasitic medication by 5000%, began serving the first of seven years in Fort Dix US Federal Penitentiary in New Jersey. Despite … Continue reading ‘Love Tips’ from Fort Dix Minimum Security Federal Penitentiary →

25 September 2018 Fans of both intolerance and breaded chicken rejoiced last week when media reports revealed that a Frederick, Maryland branch of Chick-fil-A had served a young customer on a riding lawn mower in the drive-thru line at their location, proudly sharing the images on social media. Thoroughly exhausted by his first day of … Continue reading Chick-fil-A Hosts Unconventional Patron →

25 September 2018 In just under one fortnight, Americans will flock to cinemas to see “A Cliché is Re-told,” a fictional biopic depicting the rise of a talented, young singer (played by global starlet/meat fashion icon Lady Gaga) and her tutelage as a rising star under a dashing, abusive alcoholic (played by Bradley Cooper). Modeled … Continue reading Dave Chappelle Proudly Explores Stereotypes in “A Cliché is Re-told” →

21 September 2018 *Note: As Autumn sinks in, the air continues to cool, and we settle behind our televisions to watch hundreds of over-paid, semi-literate role models be denied their First Amendment rights/slowly develop CTE, WikiLeeks looks back at some of the hottest news from Summer 2017* At the age of 11, she began radically … Continue reading Looking back at Summer ’17: Malala Turns 21 →

21 September 2018 Controversy gripped American commercial media last July when Kylie Jenner was featured on the cover of Forbes Magazine as “America’s newest self-made billionaire.” Almost immediately, many Americans took to social media platforms to express their dissatisfaction with the fact that Jenner, whose parents were both extraordinarily successful both professionally and financially, is … Continue reading Dictionary.com Commits Itself to Lexicographical Revolution →

21 September 2018 Last summer, sports fans across the world where enthralled by the free-scoring exploits of the participants in the 2018 World Cup in Russia. While sports fans across the world cheered  on familiar stars such as Modric, Kane, and Vladimir Putin, it was the first appearance for Video Assistant Referee technology, the face … Continue reading WC 2018 Revisited: Who the fuck is Dr. Joe Machnik? →